this post was submitted on 23 Sep 2022
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menby

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A space for masculine folks to talk about living under patriarchy.

Detoxing masculinity since 1990!

You don’t get points for feminism, feminism is expected.

Guidelines:

  1. Questions over blame
  2. Humility over pride
  3. Wisdom over dogma
  4. Actions over image

Rules (expansions on the guidelines):

  1. Mistakes should be learning experiences when possible.
    • Do not attack comrades displaying vulnerability for what they acknowledge are mistakes.
    • If you see good-faith behavior that's toxic, do your best to explain why it's toxic.
    • If you don't have the energy to engage, report and move on.
    • This includes past mistakes. If you've overcome extreme reactionary behavior, we'd love to know how.
    • A widened range of acceptable discussion means a greater need for sensitivity and patience for your comrades.
    • Examples:
      • "This is reactionary. Here's why."
      • "I know that {reality}, but I feel like {toxicity}"
      • "I don't understand why this is reactionary, but it feels like it {spoilered details}"
  2. You are not entitled to the emotional labor of others.
    • Constantly info-dumping and letting us sort through your psyche is not healthy for any of us.
    • If you feel a criticism of you is unfair, do not lash out.
    • If you can't engage self-critically, delete your post.
    • If you don't know how to phrase why it's unfair, say so.
  3. No singular masculine ideal.
    • This includes promoting gender-neutral traits like "courage" or "integrity" as "manly".
    • Suggestions for an individual to replace a toxic ideal is fine.
    • Don't reinforce the idea the fulfillment requires masculinity.
    • This also includes tendency struggle-sessions.
  4. No lifestyle content.
    • Post the picture of your new grill in !food (feminine people like grills too smh my head).
    • Post the picture of the fish you caught in !sports (feminine people like fish too smdh my damn head).
    • At best, stuff like this is off-topic. At worst, it's reinforcing genders norms..
    • If you're not trying to be seen as masculine for your lifestyle content, it's irrelevant to this comm. If you are trying to be seen as masculine, let's have a discussion about why these things are seen as masculine.

Resources:

*The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks

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All of the political, fictional, media, and societal forces in this country fantasizes this generation of men from the era. They were tough, stoic, built skyscrapers, fought and died in wars, dressed in suits, and they did things their own way. I always have an image of Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack in my head of this type of man. Candace Owens' "Bring back manly man" tweet on a photo of Harry Styles in a dress underscores the society's mourning the loss of masculine men.

I never met my grandfather but from all the stories I've heard of him he was the typical man of his era. Grew up in the 30s, was a junkman, joined the Army, worked a union trade job, came home from work and read his newspaper. He didn't make dinner (except for grilling steaks with his bare hands). He physically fought my grandma and engaged corporal punishment with my uncles and aunt. My mom says she was scared of him for a long time. He never traveled or did anything with his children. Essentially, he worked and came home and didn't do any domestic activities. You look at photos of him and he looked like a good looking Italian guy in a Martin Scorsese movie. A "man's man".

Learning about his bad tendencies and at first its hard to see a tragedy. The tragedy is near the end of his life he expressed regret and remorse. His life under capitalism and patriarchal norms crushed his soul. It was only around his old age and after his retirement when he started to mellow out and become something more. The last time he talked to my uncle he told him "I'm sorry for not being there and talking to you." He loved to visit my mom and dad and my mom said she loved to talk to him even though she was previously scared of him. He traveled to Hawaii the year before he died and he absolutely loved it. When they got back he asked my grandma "when's the next trip?" When he was older, every day he walked their cat on a leash. Even with all of their troubles throughout their marriage, my granparents loved each other. On their last day together they made love, he told my grandma he loved her, and he went to bet on the horses.

He also hated some aspects of his society. He hated suits, hated the Army and was dishonorably discharged for refusing an order, and he hated Reagan and trickle down economics. Underneath his manly exterior there was something more there and his remorse at not being a better person showed toward the end of his life. It was only after he wasn't being crushed by a manual labor job and living just with my grandma was he able to start to explore the world and open up to his kids. So when I think of him now I see him as a victim of Capitalism and patriarchal norms of our society.

I don't know, this is kinda a rough draft of my thoughts about someone I never met but wish I could have.

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