one of my dogs died suddenly today, found him dead on a small ditch (narrow and like 1 meter deep). i can't stop thinking abt it, i really think i could've saved him but i didn't go to work yesterday (small ranch outside city) and my coworker did go and noticed he was missing but didn't bother to search for him.... we found him today early in the morning and it definitely was recent since he didn't stink and didn't feel bloated.

i don't know if he got bit by a snake and fell into the ditch out of panic, or he just fell into the ditch and died out of panic since he wasn't able to get out... 😢

I like hexbearers and I like the energy they bring but I'm getting tired of seeing pig testicles already tbh.

Currently on vacation, couldn't enjoy any of it.

1. The kid's been lying to the whole family about using the (very expensive) medication for his skin condition. Also keeps lying about homework and just lazy around all day. We're fed up with him.
2. Partner has been jobless for months, no signs of getting any new job yet and money's tight
3. One of our cats got an inflammation on one of her teeth, and it's gonna be expensive
4. One of mom's cat is in intensive care for possible hepatitis and pancreatitis. Also expensive as hell (and it comes from my pocket since mom needs financial help)
5. Mom is in a very bad mental state after fighting with my sister and losing another of our cats earlier this year to diabetes. I worry constantly for her.
6. I'm just a single ADHD person in my 30s having to care alone for a partner with depression, a mom with depression, lots of cats with 2 currently sick, and an ungrateful teen stepson.

"Things are tiresome" is an understatement. And also, the job's been annoying, but that's the least of the current woes. To everyone also struggling, let's stay strong together.

I needed this a few months ago. I don't anymore. The bad vibes are transient and go away comrades. You'll be fine, and stronger later on. Try to stay calm and focus on the positives.

I finally came to terms with my identity the other day, it was pure fucking bliss holy shit I cried🏳️‍⚧️

Bossman is kinda riding my ass (in an unfun way) lately but, like, the prescription stimulants have stopped flowing.

I am currently sitting at a table for a dinner thing with our local democrats club. Shoot me.

I lost my job last week. Paid $73k/ year. I don't know what to do. I also can't pass a piss test. So yeah. Shoot me.

But hey I'm learning yet another programming language. Never been great at writing code but at least Kotlin is different enough from the various C-types that it's actually been fun. If not a bit confusing since constructors and getters/setters are weird. I need to go back over abstract classes and interfaces and subclasses though.

Shoot me...

Update: I asked the folks at the restaurant if I could get my drunken noodles made vegan and it came with egg in it... Gonna go home and get stoned and chill for the night.

Recently started working at the union and I really like it. It feels good to be at the 'front line' of the struggle and so far, as an employer, they are pretty good. I will start a whole sort of law education in september, which will take me a year to complete (all paid for, of course). And I see this as a chance to improve relations between the union (which has a lot of power over here) and our party.

Apart from anxiety, life is going pretty good. I also started to enjoy big city life again. For the last months I was sort of fed up with it but since last week it somehow turned around. It's as if the city's energy has found it's way into my veins and it sometimes feels as if I'm walking on a cloud again. I had this feeling when I first got here when I was amazed at every little thing happening here. I'm glad this feeling returned, because I really think this city can be a positive surprise for the party in the upcoming elections.

I took a bus trip around Hawaii today, and I honestly forget that I ever thought of it as some paradise. It looks broken, homeless people are everywhere, streets haven't been maintained in almost a decade at least, and most areas seem just... broken. Then you get to the cost of Waikiki, and suddenly there is trump tower, a 20 story resort, perfectly manicured gardens, and not a single faded line on the roads. The only parts that are even nice are where the millionaire landlords live in mansions and where the state makes room for tourists. Fuck this colonialist shit. I want to do so much, but talking to the brainwashed populace, I have almost no hope.

I live in constant pain because of exposure to chemicals, physical, and mental trauma that the USG is just starting to recognize through the department of veterans affairs. I lay awake each night wishing that I would die and not wake up tomorrow because it will just be more pain. Or I think that I deserve the pain; it is my penance for commiting an uncountable amount of suffering on the world in exchange for a bit of cash. I feel like I sold my soul to the devil but all I received in return is the understanding that everything will get progressively worse for the vast majority of the people on this planet.

The company I work for is actively being destroyed by the leadership and every decision seems based around making people leave to the point the facility collapses. I have had no luck finding a new job because the market is so saturated. Currently I'm just trying to get as much medical shit taken care of while I still have insurance before they layed me off, force me to quit by ending remote work (I'm too far away to commute regularly), or the facility just gets shut down. A common sentiment between the people I talk to regularly is "can our society just fucking collapse already so at least I don't have to worry about having a job?"

My gf is really struggling with health stuff at the moment. But I recently got a cheap gaming setup, and she's fallen down the gaming blackhole. At least she's happy and not suffering when she's lost in a game.

I just feel like there is no future in this country. Even though my mental health is better these past two weeks, I wake up before I'm done sleeping, even though I go to sleep at a better time. It's so frustrating because it cuts into my ability to make progress on my hobbies like language learning and exercise. I don't think I have slept 8 hours in over half a year, and at least a year and a half if we're talking uninterrupted sleep.

And I have to go back to school to start working on a real career (I have a degree but I don't use it) but it seems like it's pointless because this country is going down the drain. This is not a place I want to live in for much longer. I really don't want to spend years at school in this country. It's a fucking dump. It's so depressing to hear about other countries with their cheaper housing and education costs.

I began working out three weeks ago after a six month hiatus and I already twisted my wrist doing power cleans.

Off to a great start.

Read some chat logs with a friend from back in 2018 and realized I've been promising to do the same things for 5 years but never achieving them. I procrastinate on even the things that will make me happy, uncertain that they will actually make things better, and never change. I'll start off small. I'll buy that bike I've been promising to for the past 5 years. Everyone is capable of changing for the better, comrades. I wish you all the best.