There's a comrade on Twitter, a youngster, who is an extremely, extremely dedicated reader of theory, who is repulsed by fictional and entertainment media on account of it almost universally being created by and harboring bourgeois-ridden thoughts, while also fearing it on account of it being counter-insurgency much like TVs were used to pacify and distract black prisoners in San Quentin from revolutionary action.

This caused me to have self-reflection. Should she be an example to follow? Should we forsake or move towards forsaking all media consumption aside from theory as she does lest we waste our time on commodities that many of the people we fight for have don't have the privilege of enjoying? For we still have much work ahead of us. Indeed, I have seen for myself people mellowing out after fighting politically online and then focusing more on their hobbies (for better or worse, of course, many of them held poor political positions and were better off silent). But to her, her hobbies and politics are one in the same. It's all she does, and she claims to not get burnout. She condemns the use of distractions to disengage for the sake of mental health for to her, theory and being engaged with politics sustains hers. And she has the exact mental disorders I do (as far as I'm aware). Even acknowledging the both of us grew up under different circumstances, I can't help but feel an inferiority complex towards her. Perhaps that's some sort of main character syndrome, the same that drives me to speak at length about my experiences here. But life, especially organization, isn't a one-person show. I know this, that I can't be her, and that she can't be, say, Xi Jinping, but we each have our role to play.

I'm just wondering if I wasted my life. I've been playing video games since I was little and thus I thought and focused on them and other fantasy content at the expense of schoolwork that I found uninteresting and rote no matter how badly I was shamed and beaten by the school and my parents for neglecting it. I think back and wonder if I was ruined. This is a phenomenon she fears had affected her generation as she keeps becoming frustrated by her peer's inabilities to focus on anything. Given all the circumstances, this was of course the only way my life could have gone, but now I wonder if I should really attempt to forsake all my fictional media, all the ties I've made with people based on it, to try to consume yet more theory in the hopes that I'll eventually be repulsed by fiction and I'll be able to joyfully commit to theory full time as she does. I'm taking a break from media and committing to theory for the time being but I admit, though I'm able to enjoy the theory, the process still has me fearful and sad. Withdrawal symptoms, perhaps? I think about what I can do even if I'm able to be extremely well-versed in theory. As I said, our upbringing are different. She's able to operate in a big city full of potential comrades, whereas I live in a rural, deserted area where I can't easily leave and thus I'd have limited ability to spread communism or organize. I also wonder, even if I somehow commit to such a path if she and I won't actually end up eventually burning out after all. What do you think? Should we stigmatize and caution against consumption of fiction or entertainment?

I'm trying to figure out what to think or do here. This may be just a vent.

I have three friends, each opposed to Marxism-Leninism. Two of them live in Russia and one of them is from a family that immigrated to America from China, and has been to China. They each hold negative views of China, Russia, and the USSR. My Chinese friend and one of my Russian friends are anarchists. My other Russian friend is an authcom, but not a "tankie" or "Stalinist". They're each queer and disabled as I am, and I would sell my life for any and all of them (which means less than it sounds, I'm not confident that I may live much longer). I, however, am a white American who has never left my continent. To them, I'd be a westen tankie, and I've heard a couple of other Russians complain about "western tankies" before.

It got me thinking if they think that we, in the US, practice our own form of "American Exceptionalism" by talking about our country as though it's worse than all others, including the ones wronging them. I put "American Exceptionalism" in quotes because the fact that the US is the worst country by a large margin isn't up for debate. I just wonder if we have some sort of privilege. That critically supporting a place like Russia comes easier to us because we don't live in it, as two of my friends do. Do I tell them that they must support their queerphobic country against us? It's the right move, yes. Easy for me to say. But convincing them of that is something I can't attempt without risk to their mental health.

The first, the anarchist, supports Ukraine and believes that Putin is targeting it out of a power-hungry desire for expansion. They believe they may have lost a friend in Kiev. While I worry about their own safety every day. We're both on social security, yet I'm not sure how long mine will last or the country sustaining it, meanwhile Russia's swelling public sector probably means good thing for those on social security there. The point is, I don't think I'm in any position to talk to them about this.

Both Russians harbor hatred against what they call the "genocidal regime", the USSR, because their ancestors faced antisemitism from Soviet officials, which seems to have occurred. I could tell them that antisemitism was everywhere, but it'd feel like a slap in the face. I was never the victim of it. I don't doubt I could know more about the USSR and the actual policies than they do much like someone from South Africa who studies Canadian history could know more about the subject than an average resident of Canada or how a doctor may know more about my body than I do, but I'm from the country where people expect us to barge in and tell foreigners what's actually what and how things work.

My Chinese friend... they're abused by their mother, whom they call a Chinese Nationalist. The thing is, my friend condemns the Uyghur genocide and those who deny it exists. Including their mother. ...When I was very young, I believed in Santa Claus. My highly abusive dad didn't. He was right on this issue, and I was wrong. Sometimes it's like that. But being a progressive and accepting that your abuser is correct on a vital issue that you were dead certain of is a bitter pill to swallow.

We must oppose relativism. In the UK, at least at one point, Marxist parties rejected trans people like myself, while anarchist and social democratic groups were more welcoming. That doesn't mean, by any means, that the latter groups had better positions on economics or class than the former. But what would I say back then to a fellow trans individual who had faced abuse from Marxists?

I messaged someone about this before and they said the best thing I could do would be to perhaps leave well enough alone. Converting isn't my job. There are plenty of MLs in the global south perhaps better equipped to handle anarchists in the global south than I. But whenever they insult "tankies", they insult those in the global south who principally oppose the US and it makes me sad. And it sucks because they're very dear friends to me. So I'm in an awkward position. Has anyone else been in such a position before? There was a post before about someone with a classmate from China who believed US propaganda.

"To let things slide for the sake of peace and friendship when a person has clearly gone wrong, and refrain from principled argument because he is an old acquaintance, a fellow townsman, a schoolmate, a close friend, a loved one, an old colleague or old subordinate. Or to touch on the matter lightly instead of going into it thoroughly, so as to keep on good terms. The result is that both the organization and the individual are harmed. This is one type of liberalism." -Mao Zedong.

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm sad. I lost a friend because I was advocating against telling people to vote for those who have slaughtered and terrorized their friends and families.

I used to vote blue. I could see where they were coming from, the feeling as though you're contributing to saving lives. The desire for reprieve from the Republicans. If the democrats were truly the lesser evil then I'd vote for them. I'd encourage activism, yes, but I'd vote. It's not as hard for me as it is for less privileged people.

But... https://thebaffler.com/latest/democrats-are-the-real-party-of-war

Time after time, I've given them my vote, and they terrorize other countries. The terror is only redirected. It isn't gone, it isn't even mitigated. By voting for the democrats, I stab the global south in the back. Another friend of mine tried to frame this as a trolley problem. But here's the problem.

These politicians are fucking liars. I can't tell how many people there are on either track. Or even if there are different tracks. Even if the DNC was more proactive about fighting the GOP, then the lever merely determines the trolley's speed. So there I was, seen as a traitor to queer people. And I'm really, really sad. All because I refused to encourage people to vote for the aesthetics of a better USA.

There are so many variables involved that there's objectively a lesser evil among the two, I'd argue. The problem is they're liars. I don't know which it is. And either way I'd still be voting for the slaughter of innocent lives, domestically and abroad. They're too evil. And I'm too sad.