(Invidious link)

Experiment 509 The Girl in Lovers Lane first aired on September 18, 1993

0:00 DVD Menu
0:31 MST3K Scrapbook Scraps II
8:37 The Girl in Lovers Lane

Previously released as in standard definition at 4:3, now available in HD and in the film's original 16:9 aspect ratio. It... doesn't make the movie any better. From the Rifftrax description:

From the deepest, darkest, most sorcerously stained corner of the video store, in the “mid-80s fantasy movies trying to trick you into thinking they were kind of like Star Wars" section, it’s Wizards of the Lost Kingdom!

Yes, it’s hard to believe now, but in the '80s people were still pretty obsessed with Star Wars. With Roger Corman producing movies back then, you just know he had to get in on that sweet action. And oh, how the world has changed since then!

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom brings the knock-off heat: A roguish but charming scoundrel who can’t help but do the right thing: Check! A giant hairy monster mess of a best friend who makes digestive sounds to communicate: Check! A whiny unlikable kid prodigy who’s the son of a more famous magic type: Check, with extra unlikeability! A thrilling plot full of amazing special effects and edge-of-your-seat action: uh… did we mention the furry digestive sounds guy?

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is like six different movies in one, in the sense that it was seemingly cobbled together from at least six different movies into one not-at-all cohesive whole! And it stars Bo Svenson, who you may recognize from small parts in some Tarantino movies, the kind of small parts in Tarantino movies actors get because they were once in obscure movies like Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. The film business is confusing!

Finders keepers, losers weepers — sorry, Wizards, but it’s our Kingdom now! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the tour of an ancient Spencer’s Gifts store that is Wizards of the Lost Kingdom!

Invidious version.

From the description:

In this episode, Trace and Temrik receive a product without a label and try to figure out its contents.

Trace And Temrik is a mockumentary series about two writers trying their best to create the next hit tv show, movie, commercial, product or really anything at all!

Everything about this series is improvised, from the dialogue to the camera work to the editing, with the goal of keeping the project underwhelming for all involved, including you!

Want to work with us for some reason? We can be contacted at [email protected]

We don't currently have any other socials, because that feels overwhelming.

Thanks for watching!

Okay, you can stop reading now.

From the description:

0:00 DVD Menu
0:40 MST3K Artist in Residence: Steve Vance
11:12 Introduction by Joel
14:23 Hercules and the Captive Women

A middle-aged woman regains her youth by way of a magic potion that has lethal consequences. Colleen Moore plays the vain dowager and Grant Williams is the unlucky lothario who catches her eye. Directed by Edward Dein and co-starring preeminent scream queen Gloria Talbott, The Leech Woman is emblematic of Universal's Sci-fi horror films of the late 50s and early 60s—a B movie that manages to retain some of that old studio luster. ---------- Trailers from Hell showcases classic previews of past movie attractions punctuated with humorous commentary by iconic filmmakers.

http://www.trailersfromhell.com/

From the description:

Once upon a time, some people headed into the woods with a box of costumes from a high school theater department and set out to make a fairy tale movie called The Princess and the Magic Frog.

There were a few problems, like the near-total absence of a Princess and complete lack of a Frog (there is a toad, but only briefly). They did remember the most important thing, however: a boom mic. So much boom mic. More boom mic than we’ve ever seen in anything, truly. The Princess and the Boom Mic – er, Magic Frog – now available on RiffTrax!

Before the boom mic, we meet an ordinary 1960's boy who doesn’t want to go home because he’s afraid his dad will “whale on him” and possibly even give him a “walloping.” What delightful fairy tale fare! He then finds a toad (very explicitly a toad, not a frog, thank you) and naturally goes on to meet a leprechaun, a genie, a creepy old puppeteer, and several other characters who aren’t princesses. It’s a strange little adventure, but hey, anything’s better than going home to his wallopin’ dad!

If you ever wanted to see the “Thumbelina” and “Jack and the Beanstalk” fairy tale segments from Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny expanded to feature length, that’s a strange, extremely specific wish, and you should probably seek help, but also: your ship has come in!

Grab a boom mic or two and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for the “Disney movie with a concussion” joys of The Princess and the Magic Frog!

Written by: Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason, Jason Miller, & Zachary Shatzer

I'm a tool

Actor. Stuntman. Model. Swiss (NOT Belgian)! Daniel Bernhardt is a beloved cult figure amongst fans of offbeat and indie action films. He played Runaway in experiment #1004 - Future War.

He was widely compared to Jean Claude Van Damme, starting out. Maybe due to his debuting in Bloodsport II: The Next Kumite. Or his appearance in Bloodsport III. Or Bloodsport 4: The Dark Kumite. (He even says he "played Van Damme" in those movies, so he knows what's up.)

Bernhardt is a legitimate martial artist: he has a black belt in Taekwondo, and studied Kyokushin karate among other disciplines. Starting out as a model, he parlayed an appearance in Versace campaign with Van Damme (there he is again!) into a film career in Hollywood.

He spent his early career doing stuntwork and appearing in low-budget action schlock (and I say that with love), before finally getting his due in legitimate films with parts in films like The Matrix, and latterly appearing in Atomic Blonde and the John Wick films.

It's safe to say that Future War fits into the earlier part of his career. (And his brother, Cliff's! He actually plays two roles in Future War!)

And the Bernhardt train keeps rolling on, as he will be appearing in an all new Deathstalker movie as Deathstalker himself! (A character previously seen in #703 - Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell.) Can't wait to see it!

Sha! Sha!

0:00 DVD Menu
0:31 Gumby & Clokey: The Making of Robot Rumpus
8:27 The Making of The Screaming Skull
19:01 912 The Screaming Skull

Aw, it's our very own TV's Frank's birthday today!

Writer, actor, stand up comedian, Frank's still out there doing his thing. He wrote a ton of books, and of course he's still riffing films along with Trace Beaulieu with the Mads are Back project.

Let us all turn our cranks to Frank on this blessed day.

Sherlock Holmes is back, and more Victorian than ever!

This time around, Holmes's client is young, handsome Sir Henry Baskerville, recently arrived from Canada, minus his Canadian accent, which got confiscated by the Customs Dept. It seems that the male branch of the Baskerville family are under threat from a ghostly hound, equipped with some very sharp non-ghostly fangs, and the only man capable of protecting the latest potential victim is... Dr Watson, who, this time round, acts like he's only been lightly kicked in the head by a mule.

Suspects abound, including the wife of the local doctor, who claims to be able to contact the dead (but unfortunately, her provider is AT&T), a mysterious pedlar who won't stop peddling until he's all peddled out, and John freakin' Carradine.

Is one of them dressing up in a giant hound suit and reverse Scooby-Dooing Sir Henry, or is something even more sinister going on? Will Sherlock Holmes show up in time to solve the Mysterious Mystery of the Dog in the Knight-Time?

Written by Bridget Nelson, Mary Jo Pehl, Matthew J. Elliott, Zachary Shatzer

My GOD, David!

Appeared in experiment #1003, Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders is a film written, directed, and produced by Kenneth J. Berton, whose only other credit for... anything, is an earlier film called The Devil's Gift (1984). If for some reason you're curious enough to want to see it, don't bother: it was re-cut and used as the second segment of Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders. (Though some viewers may prefer the original's downer ending, and if you haven't seen the MST3K episode, then go for it -- The Devil's Gift appears to be the superior movie.)

The first part of Merlin's... (the bit with the evil newspaper columnist and his poor wife) is a bit of a mystery, however. I wasn't able to find any behind the scenes info on the project, nor any interviews with the people involved. Moreover, it doesn't seem like a re-purposed, re-cut film at all, and thus might have been filmed at around the same time as the wrap-around segments. For all I know Kenneth J. Berton made one film in 1984, spent the next twelve years working in a toll booth, and then woke up one day with the burning desire to make half of a direct-to-video film with Ray Miland and Ernest Borgnine.

Though I suspect that Berton was probably primarily a commercial director; but those credits are notoriously difficult to track down, so I have no proof he was making local Carpeteria ads, it's just a hunch.

As for Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders itself, it's late Saturday afternoon TV meh, but it has its moments: the maniac husband talking to himself, breathing fire, chasing his cat around; the latter half's pissed-off psychic, and the visual delight of Merlin in his wizard jammies asking random strangers about his "little monkey." Good times.

There aren't really even any interesting links between cast an crew and anything else (apart from the actress who played Merlin's wife appearing in Big Top Pee-Wee). This thing came from nowhere and went back to nowhere.

Except of course it appeared on MST3K, which means we have to deal with its existence. Huzzah!

Rock 'n roll martian!

Who is Merritt Stone!!!

Oh I'm sorry, that should have read "Who is Tiger Joe Marsh?" Well, in terms of MST3K, he was one of the police officers who boarded the train at Newark, after a corpse connected to the armored car robbery was discovered. This is him (I think):

Not the most glamorous part, I agree. But you know what they say, "there are no small parts, there are only small actors." And brother, if there's one thing Tiger Joe Marsh was not it was small.

Born August 25, 1911 in Chicago (as Joseph Samuel Marusich), he dropped out of school before finishing the 7th grade and got a job as an errand boy for a local shoe store (a big, BIG errand boy, one presumes).

SlamWrestling.net quotes the Los Angeles Times as saying, "He once sold newspapers to Al Capone and watched Frank Nitti’s (or Johnny Torrio’s) car for him," but the Times writer might have been joking. (Might.) Before long though, he joined a local gym and learned how to wrestle, and met a fellow in the business named Steve Savage, who helped him go pro in 1927. He would eventually win a world championship. (This might be disputed, but Tiger Joe claimed he held the title -- due to the ref's mistake -- for a total of about a week.)

His May 10, 1989, Chicago Sun-Times obituary describes his entree into film like this: "He was wrestling one night in the 1950s when a movie director, Elia Kazan . . . asked him if he wanted to act in the movies in Hollywood." He said yes, and the rest is on his IMDB page. He would eventually amass 50 official credits there, and he was also active in the theater. He left behind no children, but was reported by his friends and family to be a soft-spoken, warm-hearted fellow. All 6' 1" and 262 lbs. of him.

He's a really interesting guy, and I'd recommend checking his profile linked in the title of this post for more details; and maybe taking a look at some of his movies to see if you can spot him. For a one-line character in a cheap caper film, he sure turned out to be an interesting guy!

I'll get you for this, Joel...

From the sales page:

With a few notable exceptions (Goodburger 2), we all know that sequels never reach the heights of the original. So just take a moment to process what that must mean for Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse. Yeah, we know. It’s sobering stuff.

Jurassic Shark, if you’ll recall, was about an art heist that was occasionally interrupted for some light CGI chomping. The stolen painting, which we can only hope involves a group of canines gambling, remains lost in the ocean. Remember how we said that everything about sequels was inferior? Well the ocean must have held out for a bigger salary or a nicer trailer or something, because in Jurassic Shark 2, the ocean is very obviously played by a lake.

Joe! What do you know, Joe?

Harvey B. Dunn was born August 19, 1894, in Yankton, South Dakota. I think this is the first performer I've covered born in the 19th century -- wow! So today would be his 131st birthday.

To put that in perspective, the first commercial radio broadcast in the United States took place on November 2nd, 1920, when Harvey was 26 years old. (Not that he would have heard it; even three years later, only about 1% of American households owned a radio receiver.)

So things get a little tricky researching the story of an actor so old. A lot of his work would have been in live theater and on radio, records of which are lost to time. Yes, we know all about someone like Lucille Ball's vaudeville and radio work, thanks to dedicated researchers and academics--but this is Harvey B. Dunn we're talking about here. An affable fellow to be sure, but probably less inspiring to scholars than Lucy.

Except, I did find a pretty comprehensive review of his career from a YouTube channel called Zeus Brothers Entertainment. Worth checking out if you're at all curious about Dunn, the man, the myth, the legendary owner of a trained parrot.

On MST3K, Dunn appeared in three experiments: #404 - Teenagers from Outer Space, #423 - The Bride of the Monster, and #613 - The Sinister Urge. A rare three-fer!

Unlike some B-movie actors though, Dunn had a ton of really decent parts in film and television over the years, so even though he was a regular in Ed Wood's films, they weren't his "big break" or his "last gasp" -- they were just another job.

So, happy birthday Grandpa Joe! We hardly knew ye!

He tampered in God's domain.

From the video description:

Own the short: https://www.rifftrax.com/with-an-all-star-cast

The title of our new short, With An All-Star Cast, could describe all kinds of movies. Ocean’s Eleven, Love Actually, Cannonball Run, and however many of those Expendables things they’re gonna throw at us. But there are stars bigger than any of the meatheads, smooth talkers, and leading ladies you’ll find in those films, stars who shine so bright all the world can see them, smell them, even taste them. The name of these true stars?

MEAT.

Yes that’s right, meats, in all their vaguely pink 1950s splendor, come to life on the silver screen! It’s an amazing film-within-a-film that puts Sunset Blvd to shame (only because Sunset Blvd was sorely lacking in five-pound pork chops). A male actor fails to cook properly on the set of a cooking short, so naturally the filmmakers trick a woman into doing his job for him! Yeah, like we said, it’s the 50s.

Strap on your bib, crack the seal on a new bottle of barbecue sauce, and get ready to roast and broil the greatest stars of all: With An All-Star Cast!

From the description:

Own the short: https://www.rifftrax.com/warty-the-toad

Not just a cruel nickname for the kid in the elementary school cafeteria with an unfortunate skin condition anymore, it’s Warty the Toad! Quite possibly our wartiest short yet, and the first to feature real live pond critters voiced by a real live pond person* (*pond person status of narrator assumed but unverified). Warty is vain because he’s covered in so many warts, which definitely makes sense. The wiser pond critters try to show him the error of the ways, and the hognose snake tries to eat him, probably because he’s bitter that warts are considered flattering while his hognose is worthy of scorn in this confusing, upside-down pond mythos.

Reached for comment, Kermit the Frog has denied all knowledge of Warty the Toad and categorically denies he is the father.

There’s a little to learn and a lot to smell at this pond, join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Warty the Toad!

From the description:

What is Skaterdater? An app for likeminded rollerblading enthusiasts to find love? An obscure German word that was actually a savage insult about the Habsburg Dynasty? No, Skaterdater is actually the first film ever made about skateboarding, from a time before skateboarders even started wearing shoes! Seriously!

Skaterdater is an honest-to-goodness “film” film, too: it won the 1966 Palm d’Or for Best Short Film at Cannes, and was nominated for an Academy Award. Raising the important film history question: are there more close-ups of bare feet in this Oscar-nominated film, or the Oscar-nominated films of Quentin Tarantino?

The short follows a group of boys cruising the streets of Southern California on tiny wooden skateboards, wearing matching windbreakers, grooving to surf rock, irritating the Old Folks, and eventually becoming distracted by The Ladies. Inevitably, this leads to a duel between two of the boys, and it’ll be a miracle if they come out of it with all their toes intact.

Breaker breaker, we’ve got a Skaterdater on the elevator (this doesn’t mean anything, it’s just kind of fun to say out loud). Get ready to drop in and shred with Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the clean-cut, matching windbreaker style of skateboarding found in Skaterdater!

Written by Bill Corbett, Conor Lastowka, Jason Miller, and Zachary Shatzer

From the description:

Another Week: Another YouTube Mads Goodie!

This week, because we’ve got Trace Beaulieu & Frank Conniff’s riff Night of the Ghouls on sale thru Sunday Night, here’s an extended preview from the film!

If you like Ed Wood, seances, spooky skeletons, trumpets, or slide whistles: you’ll love this movie!

Get your own copy of The Mads Are Back: Night of the Ghouls on sale for $6 with Promo Code DRACULA

http://dumb-industries.com/nightofthe...

Shop t-shirts, downloads, poster prints, and tickets to upcoming The Mads Are Back events at Dumb Industries: http://dumb-industries.com/

Written & Performed by Trace Beaulieu & Frank Conniff

Produced by Chris Gersbeck

About The Mads:

Trace Beaulieu and Frank Conniff, known to fans of the cult TV series Mystery Science Theater 3000 as “Dr. Clayton Forrester” and “TV’s Frank” respectively, present a new series of livestreams, The Mads Are Back! Every second Tuesday at 8pm ET, Frank and Trace continue the tradition of Mystery Science Theater 3000-style movie “riffing” LIVE and online, where viewers can watch from anywhere in the world.

Beaulieu, who also provided the voice of “Crow T. Robot” during Mystery Science Theater 3000’s initial run, portrayed evil mad scientist “Dr. Clayton Forrester,” while Conniff acted as Forrester’s lab assistant and sidekick, known as “TV’s Frank.” Both Beaulieu and Conniff were writers on the show and have continued to collaborate since leaving MST3K, as members of the similarly-themed live show Cinematic Titanic, and also as co-hosts of the weekly movie podcast Movie Sign with The Mads.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 premiered on local affiliate KTMA-TV (now WUCW) on November 24, 1988. Comedian Joel Hodgson created and starred in the TV show, which found him playing a janitor in the “not-too-distant future” imprisoned aboard The Satellite of Love, forced to watch a series of bad movies in an effort to drive Joel and his robot friends insane. The show was eventually picked up by Comedy Central and later the Sci-Fi Channel, before being rebooted by Hodgson in 2017 for Netflix.

In 2015, Beaulieu and Conniff began touring movie theaters throughout the country as The Mads Are Back, offering their signature brand of quick-witted commentary (known to MST3K fans as “riffing”) over numerous B-movies.

Own the short: https://www.rifftrax.com/the-myths-of-shoplifting

Shoplifting! Before they invented bittorrent, the five fingered discount was all the rage with the teens (second only to the storied AARP discount.) But there were lots of “myths” about shoplifting. That it was a “victimless crime.” That you “won’t go to jail.” That if you “shoplift a Gorgon’s head, Pegasus will leap out of it.”

The Myths of Shoplifting is here to clear up all of these misconceptions. It does this using the controversial “all dork cast” method that was so popular in the seventies. Watch as they attempt to steal makeup, records, and a pocket calculator! Even more impressive is that they are attempting all of these thefts in a Sunglass Hut, which to the best of our knowledge does not sell any of those things. We believe it sells sunglasses.

Of course, this short was not very effective, since all the cool kids were already cutting class to shoplift stuff.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Myths of Shoplifting!

Own the short: https://www.rifftrax.com/rhythmic-bal...

The title of the short is Rhythmic Ball Skills, I mean, what else do you need to know? It’s Rhythmic Ball Skills!

Rhythmic Ball Skills is set in some kind of gym class purgatory nether realm. There, children are instructed by an offscreen presence to go through the motions of waving various balls around in what no reasonable person would call “exercise,” let alone “fun.” The short itself describes what the kids are doing as “activities for demonstration,” which is maybe the most Orwellian phrase you’ll find outside of 1984.

When the ball skills are this rhythmic, you really don’t wanna miss out. Brace yourself for the demonstration of activities and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Rhythmic Ball Skills!

Today is something of a holiday in bad movie circles, for today is the day that the cinematic burning bag of turds Mac and Me was released in American theaters. Oof.

Described by some as "a blatant, soulless, calculated rip-off of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial with a hefty glob of product placement slathered across every frame like so much barbecue sauce over a McRib," it was the brainchild of producer R. J. Louis who'd previously with McDonald's on some of their ad campaigns.

Louis tapped director Stewart Raffill to direct, who described the warm welcome he received to the production this way: "I said, 'Well, what's the script?' And he said, 'We don't have a script. I don't like the script. You have to write the script. You're gonna have to write it quickly so prep the movie and write the script on the weekends.'" Which may explain why Mac and Me looks a lot like it just straight up copied E.T.'s homework.

Also according to Raffill, Louis insisted that the child lead of the film should be disabled, leading to the casting of Jade Calegory, a young actor with spina bifida, which required him to use a wheelchair to get around. It was seen as a major step for visibility of folks with disabilities in film.

So it was a serious flop at the box office in addition to being a terrible movie. And yet—AND YET—it has nevertheless developed a cult following. I blame the fact that for movie viewers of a certain age, a VHS of Mac and Me was a constant presence in many family video libraries, actual libraries, and residential daycare establishments. (Didn't we all know that one kid who would insist on watching Mac and Me at every sleepover?)

It was featured as the first episode of MST3K's "The Gauntlet" Netflix season. Riffs or no, I find this film hard to watch.

Spotted this on that "other" social link site 😉

Sketch comedy/anti-comedy? It's weird, man!

Born 1934 (presumably in California?), Charles Robert Kaltenthaler, Jr. (aka David Love) is a bit of a cipher. I'm not even sure if he's still alive. According to some sources he was last heard from in 2007, but honestly he seems to have disappeared after his appearance in Teenagers From Outer Space.

His involvement in TFOS followed on from his involvement with director Tom Graeff. By all accounts the two were romantic partners, but split shortly after the making of the film. Graeff would go on to have a rather eventful life (check out that last link for details), but Charles seems to have faded into obscurity.

Which is a shame, because his portrayal of the sensitive alien "Derek" was pretty decent. He really did seem like a man from outer space! Then again, one hopes he found a happy, more peaceful life away from the world of low-budget/no-budget film-making.

So, happy birthday Charles, wherever you may be!

From the descriptions:

The Mads get animated this week with the full short Tom Thumb in King Arthur’s Court from their A Night of Toons broadcast!

Join Trace Beaulieu & Frank Conniff as they riff this timeless tale of knights, medieval royalty, and, er, tiny people.