I transformed into a banana. I’m used to having some random arm or leg bruises in life, I’m actively human. This has become next level shades of bruise.

It’s a point where I need to rethink and relearn how to do things in order to be more gentle with myself. I care about me now.

Story time Everyone <3

I was at a local bookstore I’d never visited before, having just finished therapy in the morning and it was nearby. Being an emotional sesh, talking about bottom dysphoria among other things, of course I was lowkey looking for a little treat for myself (that reward for emotional hard work).

Near halfway done browsing the main floor, I spotted a dummy thicc book about Lichen. Obviously I went to check it out. Opening it I found wonderful pictures of Lichen, which is what you’d hope for, and as the pages flipped this fairly brand new used book I found a folded sheet. It was an online order slip from, you guessed it, the bookstore this book was probably bought from originally! I was going to check the price, if it was there, but the presence of someone’s personal name and address on the top caught my attention. I brought the book to the front, giving them the paper to discard, and went on my way back to the stacks to return the Lichen to its home.

There was someone with their DSLR there taking a couple photos of the people running the cashier desk I’d just gone to. I could overhear the conversation a little about her going around taking photos in independent bookstores for some publication? As I had turned and was walking towards the shelves, I guess she’d finished the part at the entrance and was going to wander through the store taking more photos, I could hear behind me,

“I’m going to be following you as I’m going there and…”

I paused and turned attention. They were referring to me. They briefly explained what they were doing and asked if they could take a photo of me.

Slightly caught off guard, but willing to consider it. My mind quickly went through a system check if I was photo op appropriate + okay with my look/fit in the moment for it to be maybe immortalized. I was okay with my look for what I’d needed it for when going out, but I wasn’t what I’d consider done up much. I’d not slept supremely well, both my kids are still relatively sick and it was a PIA to get them asleep last night, so I was rushed in the morning to make it to therapy on time. Thankfully I’d showered and shaved, did not skip face routine nor sunscreen, and I compromised due to time so no wig and not bothering with any makeup but my eyes. I love doing my eyes, find it really easy, helps majorly with dysphoria and going outside my home, and I’m used to doing at least liner almost daily for a couple years already.

Black pants, soft, stretchy, atheltic wear from Reitmans. Soft pink hoodie, it’s Uniqlo’s DBZ set from a few years ago, embroidered Master Roshi w/ a nosebleed. It’s my wife’s hoodie. Pink/Beige hat I’d gotten from Reitmans in the fall, the pink almost matches the hoodie coincidentally. Eyeshadow, shimmering Liner, fine and pointed like usual Mascara, check Lip stain, still on but worn off from coffee cup and talking during therapy

Would definitely prefer I was fully put together for a photo, but I guess it’s appropriate that I’m not like that daily, being a busy mom with a 4yo and 11mo, and only about a year with HRT. I don’t do boymode, I am fem just about all the time, and even when I’m depressed and am not shaven and dislike how I look and maybe don’t do makeup, in the mirror I’m just a woman suffering some body hair complications :D

I felt okay enough with how I was looking and feeling, and thought a little of the potential. I could be locally famous lol

“They’ll be posted on … and instagram”

Ah.

I apologized and said I couldn’t because, well, instagram. Meta. Fascist America, tech bros training AI on peoples faces, etc.

Trans Joy from the story, it was a fun morning/day, and that was a memorable and fun encounter. There were people in the store, I didn’t see or hear her go to anyone but the employees, other than me for photos.

Real talk though: Are people feeling safe about selfies online still? On Lemmy? I want to share and be more involved with the community here in the Blahaj Zone, but I also have scrubbed much of my internet life away and down through the years since Covid and am being careful about content and my own images/family/etc being on the internet anymore with AI, bots, and capitalism being rampant…. Would love to hear thoughts.

Image taken out because omg you’re right, it’s likely AI. It was saved through Imgur but I don’t recall context. I should have looked at details more closely, but obviously I need to double check things I save when doom scrolling.

It takes practice to know if that feeling is you wanting to be her or be with her.

I’ve been going to a personal trainer since the start of September and it’s been a life changing opportunity.

It’s a small fitness place, it’s run by two Agender individuals and one of the founders/owners is my personal trainer. The staff are all either neurodivergent, 2SLGBTQIA+, or both.

My Personal Trainer (let’s call them D) self described as agender, she/they, still is a mother, has a teenager with ASD and non-speaking and another kid who’s transgender with ASD. They themselves have ASD and are person no.2 whom told me to check if I was autistic as well (which I went and did, and ta-da I have AuDHD!)

D has helped immensely and among all of that it’s even just them holding space for me in their own chaotic life. They showed me all the trauma my body had gone through, especially with back surgery as a child with little/no after care in the long term and decades at that point of body-just-got-used-to-the-bad. Having been cheer captain in their younger years, I get told “no transfem is leaving this gym without a booty and boobs” and that’s not a joke.

Now, I’ve started rambling a little with sharing all this, but I do have a sincere point.

When I was starting out, I was very detached from my own body and taking care of it after years of neglect. Being traumatized does that to you. Being trans does that to you. Here I was, healing and growing and already well on my journey (with a few months on HRT at this point), but still having dysphoria and grief ruin my life.

We began tackling some of that, inspired by my toddler who was coming to workouts on some occasions, by going back and pretending to be a toddler. 4 specifically, but I’m not sure it matters as much (unless you want to be very accurate and match it with child neurological development timelines).

Putting away all the white colonial societal programming, my own experiences and knowledge, stopping my ego and fears of being cringe or something else….

Just be a kid.

If you were trans, you didn’t get to. Be a kid now. Act like one. Explore like one. Go in with no judgement like one.

You have to re-do your childhood. Speedrun it, obviously, but you have to let yourself do a lot of that stupid shit again, this time as the right gender. Question everything you’ve ever known or programmed yourself with, and go be a silly kid and laugh and have fun.

That’s how everyone does it, at 4. They just all got the perk of being cisgender and monkey see, monkey do worked for them.

Anyways I should be sleeping and should plan ahead more when I write, instead of impulsively starting a post past midnight when the kids are asleep and my high is wearing off and now I kinda want a snack…

This but obsessed wife pairing

Image description: Three women have arms linked side-by-side. The woman on the left is labeled “1st braincell”, on the right “2nd braincell”, and in the middle the woman is labeled “gay thoughts” and she’s very flushed as the other two women are pouring attention onto her.