(Newark) area man Dan Bongos is once again in the news, this time for a plot he hatched with his ex-wife to kill the pope to appease President Trump. Mr. Bongos is no stranger to controversy. In 2022 he made the news for his wild trial for his role of beating a capitol hill police officer to death with a novelty hammer. During the trial Mr. Bongos claimed he was a fallen angel and spoke with aliens. In 2025 he was pardoned by Trump and he went on to be quiet for a year. Now he's back in the headlines, this time telling an undercover informant he met on a foot fetish website that he quote "wanted to kill that mouthy pope for disrespecting his president." He went on to tell the informant his ex-wife was going to help him with the airfare ticket.

Mr. Bongos is being held on a 2 million dollar bond and his ex-wife is on $15,000 unsecured bond.

https://theonion.com/man-who-threw-molotov-cocktail-at-sam-altmans-home-claims-he-was-following-chatgpt-recipe-for-risotto/

At press time, Trump was boasting that he could heal the sick with his touch and would be building a Trump Hotel on the moon.

On Saturday President Trump called into the Houston mission control center of NASA and spoke to the crew of Artemis II. In a call that started warmly, quickly went bad when the president mistakenly thought they landed on the moon. He then went on to ask them how it smells up there (there is no air in space). He asked them if they're woke because they allow women and black people into NASA. When things got heated Trump went on to detail how "the blacks" love him. He then falsely said he "won" the war with Iran and that the new ayatollah is a gay man and he is not allowed to visit the new White House Ballroom.

The crew was stunned and shocked and asked not to for a follow up with the press after the embarrassing phone call.

At the Easter Monday presser Trump shocked reporters with the new deal he was trying to make with the country we are at war with. "It'd be great if they'd become Americans and speak American, like us, like no one, frankly has ever seen before, ever, in the history of speaking." He ended the meeting with a punctuated fart that made a reporter throw up.

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Robert Mueller has not responded to a request for comments at the time of publication.

“If you can throw a football you can throw a grenade” is one of many of the lines former linebacker for the 49ers said in a series of adverts he has appeared in to promote the US arm which were posted to the Department of War’s X account. Kaepernick isn’t unfamiliar with starting political trends as he was subject to major scrutiny by the NFL when he lead the movement behind kneeling for the American anthem before each game which subsequently lead to his suspension. Fans say they feel “betrayed” by Kaepernick calling him a “sellout.”

But is the former quarterback a sellout? And if so to who? Not only does Kaepernick come from military background, his late father Antonio is a veteran who was deployed for two tours in Iraq during operation Desert Storm, he is also married to Israeli voice actress Farine Sherana who is notable for her role as Jimeny Cricket in the Hebrew dub of the 2022 Guillermo Del Toro film Pinocchio. So much for letting a conscious be his guide, maybe there are strings attached to this former football player. Kaepernick has yet to respond to the criticisms although he is alleged to meet with Israeli president Benjamin Netanyahu and the Nelk boys in Miami some time in April, date yet to be confirmed.

The claim was followed by the statement that “They have no right to be doing what they’re doing” now that the USA has won the war, which he said he started out of habit.

The President rolled out a new plan put out by the department of war and Grok AI to monitor all sales of Sinners and One Battle After Another in order to verify that the new supreme leader of Iran is not watching the film.

"Grok will monitor worldwide sales of these films 247, 365" Musk said, "we will make sure he's not watching any of these movies he's banned from, and if he does, we're ready to send him a very nasty email that will make his head spin".

The general secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea calls the accusations "slanderous" and "highly exaggerated."

An independent review launched by Radio Free Asia contradicts Kim's claims: "We were able to find evidence of gooning on a never-before-seen scale." RFA corroborates this position with declarations from anonymous sources, who claim to have witnessed "the mother of all loads."

(Tehran) the mastermind behind such hit shows as Mind Of Mencia is set to headline this year's USO event for our warfighters. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is set to give a speech about how Jesus is returning to earth. RFK Jr. will man the raw milk hoses and spray the thirsty troops down.

The disgraced podcaster and failed comedian told DHS agents he planned to take the plane hostage and fly it into the IRGC headquarters. He is being held without bail in the same prison housing Nicolas Maduro and Luigi Mangione.

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source - deadline