me_irl

This is an emotionally difficult subject that stems from deeply held personal beliefs about the meaning of life, parental relationships, and the responsibilities associated with them. Castigating blanket judgements and reading evil intent into people's choices helps no one.

I'm truly happy you have a good relationship with your mom and have a desire to take care of her when she gets older. I once planned to do the same, and still mourn not being able to have that kind of relationship with mine. She did sacrifice a lot to raise me and gave it her best effort and honestly did great in a lot of ways.

Unfortunately, at some point this idea of "gratitude" became a way to exert control over my life. At some point, it became less about respecting the gift of life, and more about holding me accountable for a debt I never asked for and guilting me into following a path she felt would reflect well on her. I'm sad to say, but there's absolutely no way this would work out if I tried to take care of her later in life. Expecting direct control over my life due to the debt from just existing would not lead to a stable environment and she is therefore much better off with professionals.

This is not an unempathetic or easy decision, but it's the best one. Because sometimes relationships are hard and painful and don't work out like how "family values" tell you they're supposed to go and all the gratitude in the world can't fix toxic relationships. People are more complicated than that.