Edit
After reading all the responses below and receiving much helpful advice, I reflected on my hesitance of getting medical help. I realized I didn't want to feel like I "gave up". I come from a poor family of immigrants and my parents sacrificed a lot for me to have an opportunity, so when I'm discussing these mental problems I face with loved ones, there's always a suggestive undertone of being unappreciative(remember your parents slaved away doing manual labor jobs so you could complain about your comfy, well paid office job)
I now realize my own happiness/fulfillment is my responsibility, public opinion be damned. Thank you all. I will seek help ASAP
Double edit
I'm on strattera(atomoxetine) now. It's helped me focus my thoughts a lot more.
Original:
Not sure if this is typical or not but it perplexes me to no end. I've always struggled with remembering things, decision paralysis, bad sleeping patterns, interpersonal relationships(appearing distant), mood swings of joy and apathy(high peaks and low valleys), addictive personality traits(coffee/nicotine/alcohol). But on a good day I can do the work of a whole team. I've often spearheaded entire projects solo from concept to design to implementation. Despite a very rough start in my early adult life and after getting tired from most jobs for petty things like disagreements or tardiness, I've been solid for about 7 years. I've learned to communicate effectively without getting emotional, how to manage relationships, how to work around the difficulties of my ADHD, I've turned my skills into a well paying career and can politic with the best of them. My son was diagnosed and I never was because Hispanics don't believe in ADHD("everyone has those problems, you just need to manage xyz better")
I've tried to explain my patterns to loved ones in hopes of feeling understood but even those closest to me say it's all mental. I feel like no one understands. I've been called brilliant/highly intelligent many times but have been told I need to apply myself. I feel like it's both a strength and a weakness.
Anyways, I have health coverage now and am scared of prescription medicines. Not sure if I should just keep braving on towards my future without getting some sense of closure. I believe my father is also on the spectrum because he has always embodied all the symptoms (irregular sleep, obsession with pet projects, irregular moods, difficulty managing relationships/being empathetic/sympathetic, etc).
I hate being told that I'm not trying hard enough when it feels like I need to keep double the pace of everyone else just to be on par. Should I start allowing myself to be disagreeable? Maybe call bs what it is and not dance around it so much? Should I seek treatment? Should I keep quiet and bite down on the rag?
Sorry for the rant. No one seems to understand.
My wife is very much like you. She lived a hard, misunderstood life, noone in her family believing there's anything wrong. She had troubles in school too, but she was able to get two master degrees. In Eastern Europe, there is no ADHD, you just didn't get enough beating as a child. In the last few years, she also had issues at work, being called unfocused, that she talked too loud and too much, didn't try hard enough, but, like yourself, managed huge projects for corporations with tremendous success.
We got our kids diagnosed a few years ago, and all have ADHD (also dyslexia, tics, ASD). When we learned our kids have ADHD, my wife also got diagnosed, and it's textbook perfect for her. Very high "score" for ADHD. She got on medication (Ritalin), and, in her words, it changed her life.
She did have to adjust the medication through trial and error, going up and down in dosage until she found the perfect spot (I believe 25mg x2 a day) and even learned that when it's that time of the month she needs 5mg more than usual.
She can now sit for a movie or dinner with family, can remember stuff without a calendar, and even started going to interviews to go back to work after a long break. She is now part of a couple online ADHD communities talking with others like her and finding people that are not yet convinced they need to get diagnosed and /or medicated on Slowly.
She still obsesses about random stuff for days or weeks and then just switches focus to a new obsession, but hey :)
Thanks ... I totally understand the "didn't get enough beatings" part. I had a hard time until I got into things I liked such as computers, playing instruments, etc. Once I started to work on things that interested me it was magical.
You sound like a very sweet, caring husband. I can tell you love your family dearly. Thanks for your kind words/support
Everything you've said here and in your OP is me; I'm on small amounts of Ritalin now (I have to micromanage how much I can take due to cost here before I can return to a cheap place!). Please go get seen and prescribed something, you'll be so happy you did.