I hope this is ok to post here. I will remain as vague as possible.

For many years I've been addicted to porn. I tried to crack down on it, and while I've stumbled about some, my viewing of it has gone down dramatically. It used to be several hours a day, but Its been only a time or two a week now. Been like this for maybe two months now.

I used to frequent discords that revolved around sharing nsfw material, as well as finding other people to share this content with in dms with each others. I took part in this.

To keep it brief: There was some sharing of some pretty wild things. Things that even people who are on the kinky side of things may raise their eyebrows at. But never illegal. Never involving anything age related. Always concensual.

All that said, I would feel gross with myself after the fact. And I would wish that I didn't like that sort of stuff.

For the past couple months the only adult content I've viewed has been your standard front page kind of stuff. Maybe some slight kinky things involved, but nowhere near what it used to be. And in this time I've been comparing it all to earlier, and I feel so gross and freaked out.

I know I never requested or put out any illegal material. But I am sweating over the idea that maybe someone I spoke to wasn't who they said they were. I always looked for people 25+. I wouldn't even go below that age. And I would make it very clear to the person I spoke with what I was looking for. But again and again I am worrying that maybe someone wasn't telling the truth. No one specific. Just the possibility that at some point there may have been someone who wasnt.

And then even the content itself has me worried. Like I'm about to be called out or caught for it. I needed some background noise while doing something today. So some videos on youtuber were playing of predators getting caught on police body cams. I kept thinking to myself "is that me? Am I like that?" I can't think of a single time I did what these people did. But still I'm thinking "Oh no, why do I feel like that's me?".

I'm feeling this urge to hide. Like I've done something really bad. Or like someone is on to me. Or like I'm evil. I'm just scared and sad and worried. I wanted to change and be better. And maybe my actions can change, but I don't feel like I'm fundamentally always going to be just as bad. I feel evil.