No Stupid Questions

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NOT SEEKING MEDICAL ADVICE. How does one deal with grief or loss in a safe way without turning to alcohol or drugs? (lemmy.world)

submitted 3 days ago by Patnou@lemmy.world to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world

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[–] LedgeDrop@lemmy.zip 10 points 2 days ago

I don't have advice, but I can share my experiences.

When I was young, a family member died (cancer): I soldiered through it. Yes, there were some tears shed, but by and large I just pushed through it.

Fast forward 10+ years, I always felt I never really "processed" it. At least on an emotional level, I was always detached and not really "present". It's been something, I wanted and have been trying to address, but with limited success.

Recently, a close friend was diagnosed with cancer (probably terminal). I am a point in time in life, where I don't need to soldier on. I've emotional grown confident enough, that this time - I'm allowing myself to sit with this pain.

Words cannot express the gut-wrenching sorrow it brings. ...yet, I welcome and allow it. I tell myself that the depth of the sorrow, is relative to the depth of love I have for this person and that I'm capable of carrying. How painfully beautiful it is to "feel" in this moment. At moments, there is a certain catharsis in all the tears being shed.

I've started to play the guitar, just so I can play Smashing Pumpkins "Landslide". I can't sing and I can't play, but I can channel that sorrow into those lyrics in a way, I could never before.

And as much as all this hurts - it also feels healthy, it feels human.

One thing I did was, share this with the people I work with. Not necessarily the deals (effectively what I shared here). I told my boss, it will impact my performance and might require some flexibility in my schedule as I want to be able to support my friend. For me, this was an (accidental) wise move: I'm not expected to "keep it together" ...try as I might, I am failing: anger bleeds out in unexpected ways, I miss details on tasks (cause I'm not focused). And that is "okay", I apologize, people understand the why - some share their tales of grief - and we move on.

tl;dr : give yourself permission to feel, to mourn. Bring people into your life. Be "proud" that the sorrow you carry is purely a reflection of your capacity to love. Hiding from it, suppressing it, won't make it go away.

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