I figured I should post this not just as a warning for myself, but for others that find themselves falling into the same trap I do.

I've known for a while that I've had a problem with self deprecating humor that goes a little too far. I used to see it as normal, sort of a way of being humble and approachable and signalling that I'm not so egotistical that I can't make fun of myself.

But over the years the jokes got harsher and harsher until it just became sad. It wasn't putting people at ease, it was making them sad for me. I didn't even notice I was doing it for the longest time, but it has cost me friendships. I have been told by a close partner years ago "It hurts me to see you hurt yourself." and that has always stuck with me as a wake up call. It isn't cute, it isn't funny, it's self harm and it hurts people I care about. Ever since I have tried to reign it in. It's hard though, and even though I don't do it as much as I used to, it still comes out every now and again.

I'm saying this because in a recent post someone said something to me that was eerily similar to what that partner said to me all those years ago and it made me realise that I am still doing this. I think it's a sign that while I try to stop for the sake of other people I'm still not stopping for the sake of myself. I am still seeing myself as not important enough to care about.

It needs to stop and I am going to make a serious effort to stop. I need to learn to value myself as much as I value the people around me.

And if you struggle with the same thing? I hope we can both learn to value ourselves a little more. Every person is worthy so long as they aren't some kind of imperialist oligarch sipping baby tears.