Hi all. As this is the internet, I’m sure I’m going to get backlash and negative comments about me personally (“you were never REALLY vegan”), but before you do that please know this post is coming from someone struggling with a lot of things beyond just this and is legit looking for help.
I’ve been vegan for 6 years now (for the animals and for the environment). During that time I have never knowingly consumed any kind of animal products be it food or otherwise. I always felt I was doing the right thing for me and strongly felt the need to reduce harm that I inflict as a human consumer. I struggle with self-esteem so I always figured “I’m a piece of shit, why should anything have to suffer to sustain me?” I should note I also live in a very VERY rural area and I’m the only vegan I personally know both locally and anywhere else.
Lately I’ve been struggling with my conviction when it comes to being vegan. I see all the horrible things in this world. How no one seems to care for anything other than themselves these days. Humans can’t even treat each other with basic decency let alone animals. All humans seem to do is destroy the environment so they can google something faster or generate some slop that looks the same as all the rest. So why should I even bother anymore? Buy that leather belt, eat that chicken. Baseline decency is no longer needed it seems, why go further?
I guess what I’m saying is the world is shit and most of the people in it seem to be as well. Why should I care about harm reduction anymore? If the status quo is to treat everything and everyone like shit, then what’s the point anymore?
When I play it forward in my mind, the thought of actually consuming animal products makes me physically ill, but I feel like I’m thinking about it more and more and the time it takes for me to get to that nausea takes longer and longer. And that is what truly worries me.
I hate that I’m starting to not care about others anymore, and frankly could use a caring ear and words.
EDIT: Thank you for the advice and encouragement all. I know this is something I’m going to struggle with for some time, but I’m bookmarking this to come back to your reminders about why I do this. Whether that reason is compassion or spite. Both work depending on the day. I am grateful for you all.
If your veganism is based on beliefs about humans and animals, I fully understand your doubts. You are writing a lot of truths in your post. My food is plant-based. I'm not doing it for the environment, or humans, or animals. I'm into it for myself. I know vegan food is healthier, better for me. I realize that there may be studies saying otherwise, but I can feel the positive effects of my diet. Also, years after becoming vegan, I had a serious accident from which I recovered amazingly fast. Doctors and nurses were outright stunned. When I asked doctors (that were not vegan) why I had recovered so quickly, they pointed to force of will, but almost equally to my diet. It was new to me: according to them, vegans just recover faster. That alone is enough to keep me vegan. This said, I realize veganism is not for everyone. While I appreciate great food, I'm happy eating lettuce without any salt, oil or sauce, just plain. This applies to any type of food. I'm just not difficult. Plenty of people need food they like, or even love. And yes, vegan food can be very tasty too. It's just more difficult to make it tasty. And sometimes making it tasty renders it less healthy. In sum, I'm vegan for myself, not for anyone or anything else. And this keeps my diet fairly independent from convictions.