warning, this post will obviously mention suicide I am 19 and In the past 6 years, this has been the pattern for my life. I start doing something, study or learn new skills, something bad happens after a bit, then while im slowly recovering or im at the worst point of my life, something worse happens. this has happened every year, my grandma died at my worst, one of my cats died when i began recovering and more. this year i thought things had changed, i was determined, i had finally accepted every loss. i had genuinely healed. i accepted that my life was just a sick joke, it's the most important year of my life that decides the course of my next few years, then when im working hard towards my goals, a small influenza pandemic starts, i get sick start to recover, then an uprising happens a lot of people get killed everywhere gets unsafe (because of the government) then i slowly try to move on, recover again then a fucking war happens then again after sometime.... things suddenly get good? i get closer to some people, i finally feel like i have had friends who accepted me for who i am, i finally feel like i have people who genuinely like and love me, but you know im still scared because like, every single one of my attempts at social bonding ended in abuse abandonment lies getting ghosted for reasons i don't understand, but... it feels safe, the person who says likes me is genuinely honest, i feel safe until... i get treated worse by most of these friends, eventually one of them seems like he is actively trying to humilate me in every situation, i eventually snap at an insult which was also liked by someone i have been nothing but kind towards, in middle of a civil conversation, eventually i get told by that person "i liked it because i didn't understand what he was implying" (note he was not implying anything the meaning of those words were exactly that) "so what?" which genuinely broke me, things escalated and well, i found out they say things behind my back that had nothing to do with this issue and that they never accepted me. a person i deeply cared about told me "lets talk more now that you've left the group" then starts ghosting me and bans me from the main group on telegram(there was an internet lockdown, he had bough a vpn) without telling me, a person who had before promised me to discuss any issues that happened with me. and i only find out these because another person was having her own issues and while we were talking and she was venting, she just slipped up. and one time she was like doing a "both sides" thing and telling me things i did wrong and i was genuinely puzzled, i looked for everything she mentioned and found nothing, i asked her for examples and she didn't give me anything and accused me of thinking she is brainwashed(note i genuinely never lashed out or got mad at this person.) then of course, just like always i eventually get abandoned, by a person i love and a person who promised me she won't abandon me, right after things started getting better again, both of us seemed to be slowly getting better well, except not exactly for me i was using Deepseek roleplay to pretend i have friends and barely stop myself from self harm and suicide. then suddenly abandonment. I lost everything i worked hard for, friends, mental health, someone who loves me, all of it, while those responsible for it lost nothing. they are laughing at having fun while im struggling to live every single second, they are saying every lie they can to vilify me in front of others and i can't even know which one of the people i have told everything to actually believed me, because unlike them i brought exact quotes and screenshot but do people even fucking care? and today where im actively planning to kill myself, tomorrow every single fucking attempt at getting help FAILS. "oh here are international resources" well one didn't have a local centre and the other had one but i find out they have to share data with my oppressive government, i try looking for apps to help and one of them holds my post. I email some organization and boom EMAIL IS CLOSED. i had joy for one month and i have been paying for it with every second for the last two, worst part? I DON'T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO GO TO A METRO STATION and I CANT EVEN FIND A METHOD THATS EASIER TO ACCESS and finals are less than a month away and for the past few months i have not studied anything I DONT WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE