I don’t want to try it. Don’t even want to hear about it. Don’t even have functioning genitals on account of being intersex. I thought I was horny once, but that was just when Rush Limbaugh died.

Some people tell me, “well, you haven’t had the right dick or pussy yet!” And I always reply, “and you haven’t had the right arsenic yet, keep trying different kinds.”

Turns out that the wizard powers for being a forty year old virgin only apply if one ever had the option or desire to lose the virginity in the first place.