I am violent with my life partner. I rage. I don't mean to. He lies to me. Intentionally triggers and gaslights me. Plays dumb; his jedi mind tricks he once called them then gaslit me about that ever since. He lied about having a warrant in order to control me and make me think I was going to get arrested. Lied about having HIV for the same reason. I shouldn't be violent with him but I'm schizoaffective n autistic. I lose my shit. I always apologize; he never has. Some of this is bullshit! And some of it is Karma. He told his father I touched him inappropriately. I thought he was going to tell the cops I molested him, as he made me accept that he was going to. I'm not a violent person naturally. I have freak outs where I am overwhelmed and I become highly dysregulated. I've been hospitalized a lot for it. It drives me nuts he does this, and he continues to do it, under the pretense that it is strengthening my prefrontal cortex. I just want the person who loves me, who I originally met. He's changed; he's using me. I changed; I've grown. It never ends. Something has got to give...
I UNDERSTAND what it sounds like. You would need to read my book to understand the full bredth of our circumstances, which include me being BOTH schizoaffective AND the guy that told his ROTC cadre that his nonexistent sister got him pregnant. Yea, he only interned with the CIA when he attended RIT, so he's deliberately being impossible so I am forced to meet my tentative mother-in-law in secret because we cannot tell if he has gone overboard with the Buddhism or if this is advanced psychosis.
Regardless, he seems to indicate he wants to go on a two hundred mile death excursion to a monastary, on foot, with his already difficult vows, so there's karmic impetus to try to help him; the help being directly something that is conditioning me out of my traumas and maladaptations to meet him where he is and help a man with thought disorders. Even if this sweet, compassionate man is lying through his teeth to me (and he does at times), helping him as he is helps me in my bigger picture goals of maybe being of use to society besides being this on the internet.
I can be other things too! I think.