I really appreciate that perspective. I've heard similar concepts, but I've never really heard it quite that eloquently or explored. I think my main issue is just that I don't see a point. It's not that I am particularly unhappy with myself beyond this "something" that I've convinced myself I must have. In fact I'm reasonably proud of who I've become, and reasonably shameful at what continued failings I do have. I'm fully capable of doing everything a normal person would do, I just get little to no fulfilment from doing most of my hobbies without a partner. I'm fine with living by myself but if it were that way forever, i'd prefer to just die now. A life devoid of anyone to share it with just seems like an empty life.

I think this might be the crux of the issue though, is that I don't know how to get rid of this sense that I've before been told is desperation. Like, am I supposed to just not want a relationship? Is that what it takes to get my goal, to give up on it? That's pretty much where I'm at... but it's more unfulfilling than ever. I try to just be myself, it's not like im harassing people. In fact, I have a suspicion that I'm coming off disinterested in women in person because im scared of coming off as overly interested. I don't know what level of interest is expected of me and there's no manual. I try to put myself in others shoes and see what I'd want, and I'd desperately love it if someone my age were to approach me in pretty much any manner, but I understand that there's a gender and cultural dynamic at play here thats seemingly impossible to fully grasp as a male. I also can't even imagine what social cues could indicate the difference between polite interest and genuine interest. When people compliment me, i generally compliment them back. Should I pursue further personal interaction? I'm having difficulty focusing right now but ill probably return to this later