this post was submitted on 13 Jun 2024
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My wife says my brain is broken - because I’ve always treated everyone exactly the same. I wouldn’t say something to a guy I couldn’t say to a gal, it’s just not who I am. With that, I believe and understand that we all have the same emotions and should be free (within reason, don’t stab people) to express those feelings. Hopefully in a constructive way but sometimes you just gotta let shit out or vent.
I don’t believe it’s fair to treat someone different because “well x gender shouldn’t act like that.” Shut up you don’t know, none of us know for sure this jello we have in our skulls or how it’s going to interpret the information we receive or how that might make us feel until it happens. And even then, depending on the situation, it could be something we’ve experienced before and we feel a different way about it this one time.
I have a daughter, I don’t want people telling her how to feel or “you have to be pretty so you can get a boyfriend”. Be yourself, have fun, come work on cars with me and go fishing, go with your mom when she gets her nails done, be you. And anyone who isn’t ok with you being you can come talk to me. Gendering the way we feel or how we should react is just stupid. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
It's done unthinkingly a lot of the time. My folks did their best to encourage me to not be cowed by gendered expectations but you as a parent have to contend with other kids, other parents and adults who bring their own baggage.
I think young boys need to be given those freedoms more - to go and get nails done with Mum or not categorically reject pastimes not historically coded for them but that's not the be all and end all. It's just the start. We got to recognize ourselves in each other. I am particularly vulnerable to this stuff because women feel like a completely different tribe from me so being treated like one stings extra and not all men accept or see me as one of them which means my behaviour is often policed due to different standards than people I see as my group.
A lot of misogyny when it's directed at you feels like being treated like a child which when you know you aren't going to "grow up" in a recognizable way to those people until basically you start looking wrinkly will fuck you up. Conversely I have to make sure my partner isn't locking his feelings up too hard because despite his parents trying to avoid forcing that masculine coding on him he still picked it up.
I remember a lot from school where my peers did that as well - something they learned from somewhere obviously, we were all children.
My son is given that freedom - he gets to experience the same life my daughter does, be you and don’t apologize. His room is painted purple because that’s the color he wanted, he’s got longer hair than his mom, he gets to feel things and express them in a safe space with understanding. But I can’t control what others do, as much as I accept him for who he is does not mean others will. So I try to teach him that if he is happy with himself, that’s all that matters. Be true to you kind of deal. Because I definitely didn’t get that.