This is with regards to the US restaurant/food service industry only, as that is where my experience lies. It is exceptionally rare (though it is getting better) to go to a restaurant and pay what it actually costs to put that plate of food in front of you. There is an assumption that the price on the menu is enough to cover the total cost of the plate, however this is generally not the case. Often it is enough to cover everything except for an amount that would bring the staff wages to a sustainable level (generally allowing for a not insignificant cut going to the owner, and another cut going to the landlord), which means that tips are required in order to keep staff in the restaurant. I’m not saying this is a good/bad practice, I am just stating how it usually works. Customers who are not willing to pay more for a plate when ordering are often willing to pay an additional fee (tip) for the perceived added value of “service.” There are always people who will only ever pay the bare minimum and won’t tip. There are always people who are generous and appreciate the plight of the food service worker in the US and always tip. These two types often balance in the favor of the worker in the long run, if not on a daily basis. And the average customer tipping the generally accepted average percentage keeps things afloat.

This is the system we have in the US. It has functioned for a long time to provide both the owners and workers a livable income. Do I think this is a healthy practice for a thriving society? No. Am I trapped by the society I exist in and have very little personal ability to combat? Yes. But of the few ways I have to combat this, taking money away from the workers so that it only goes to the owners is not a tool I chose to use.

Instead I prefer to spend my money at places that are actively working to upend this practice: worker owned restaurants, co-ops, places that pay a livable wage and discourage tipping, etc., but I’m not about to punish those that are also trapped by the system. I am more than happy to name and shame owners who don’t treat their employees with respect, nor do I believe that non-worker owners should be a thing, period.

But to not tip is a form of protest that only hurts those most punished by the system, and does absolutely nothing to impact the people who are perpetrating the system. Basically it is the most ineffectual thing one can do.

If you really want to hit ‘em where it hurts, do something that actually hurts the owner’s bottom line… Like publicly shaming the business owners greediness by writing a low score review that praises the workers, food & service while calling out the owners for not paying their employees a livable wage. Or being in cahoots with the servers and getting items comped in exchange for a larger tip (effectively paying the worker instead of the owner). There are ways, you just have to find them. Just don’t kick the already down workers in doing so.

Edit to add: I wrote this while riding the bus home at the end of my workweek (6 doubles at 3 restaurants so no overtime for me, yaaaaaayyyy), so please excuse any non-sequiturs, idiosyncrasies, unconnected thoughts or errors as being due to my deliriously exhausted mental state.

They’re not though. There is no mention of withholding anything at all. In fact, the only feeling mentioned is that of the person who gets mad. Assuming a reliable narrator (which one must in order to have any meaningful argument about this), the only thing that elicits the reaction of becoming mad is the silence throughout the day. Nowhere is there any indication of intent or emotion on the narrators part, therefore none can be assumed. You however have made this assumption and based your entire conclusion and argument around it, and therein lies the rub.

You are arguing something that is not what is actually contained in the post, which while what you are saying may be true in the case you are presenting, it is not what is presented in the post and the tweeter is not doing anything abusive by wanting an emotionally mature partner. And for you to suggest that it is abusive so adamantly undermines a healthy relationship dynamic.

No argument there.

Becoming angry that someone is being silent without ever asking why they are silent is unhealthy emotionally immature behavior (note: assuming there is no previously established pattern of using silence to manipulate). Expressing that anger by making accusations (again, without ever finding out why said person is silent) is not only emotionally immature, but assumes that the angered person is at fault to the silent person, where no such fault is necessary or implied. This is when it becomes abuse.

It is the “your change of behavior makes me angry and therefore it is your fault that I am angry” instead of “your change in behavior makes me concerned and so I will check in with you” of it all that you seem to be missing and is in fact the whole point of the tweet.

The tweeter desires an emotionally mature response to a change in behavior as opposed to an emotionally immature one, and you seem insistent to defend the emotionally immature response because of an unsupported assumption.

You've already framed the partner that gets mad at OP acting different when they're in a mood as abusive.

Not what I said, but that actually is abusive. No mood anywhere. The “partner” in the tweet is getting mad and accusing the tweeter of “acting different” when they are simply silent. More is not stated, nor can be assumed with the given information. You are the only person going on about this “mood” that supposedly exists. Let me be clear, this “mood” is your invention and not implied anywhere.

You've firmly put NT people in that category with your previous comment while elevating ND people as having the correct response.

Where did I do this? I said that in my experience in relationships with NT people, I have experienced abuse due to a lack of empathy for a different way of existing (going silent for periods of time), and have generally (but not always) not had this response in ND relationships. This has more to do with a shared experience than anything else.

We all have different experiences with relationship dynamics and that colors our views of the world. Your experience isn't any more special or more correct than anyone else's.

While this is true, it has no relevance with the discussion at hand.

You are making a lot of assumptions in this thread that are not supported by the information available.

Edit to add: Unsupported assumptions and bad faith arguments do not an interesting discussion make, and I have to go anyways, so again I will wish you and yours the best and be on my way.

What? Where do you get that from?

Went back and read through your responses to other folx in this thread, and it’s clear you arguing in bad faith over the assumptions you’ve made about the tweeter and commenters, so I’ll just wish you good day and farewell to you and your husband.

Replying from a different instance as sh.itjust.works stopped working.

No accusations, simply using the same language you used previously directed at a statement I made.

My personal experience IS actually related to the tweet, whereas yours is related to an assumption made about the tweeter. Not the same thing.

And I wanted to rephrase my statement with regards to trauma: my experience in relationships with NTs (neurotypical) has been one of being told I am mad or upset when I am simply being quiet, in other words they imposed emotions onto me without ever asking why I was silent (oftentimes I merely went nonverbal for a period of time), even after being made aware that that was a normal thing for me. On the flipside, in ND (neurodivergent) relationships I have generally been asked why I am quiet without the assumption of fault by the asker. Perhaps it comes down to that difference. But you are imposing emotion/intent on the tweeter silence, while I am taking the tweet at face value. Now, does that face value happen to reflect my personal experience? Yes. Does that mean I am inserting my unrelated personal experience by including my related person experience? No.