The type of shit (or lack thereof) that I came here to subscribe.

Honestly, the edits didn’t clarify much. I’m nearly as confused by this whole situation as I was the first time I read the post

I'm here for whatever this ends up being

I was here witnessing lemmy history being made and I will probably die of curiosity if we do not get an update. I do not have any tips. I just hope that you come back safe and sound.

Just tell us the reason.

You could try surviving on Soylent or an equivalent. It's the nutrients you need to stay alive and operating normally stripped down to the bare minimum (so less material for you to have to poop). It might be diluted in water but that could be minimised and that small amount would probably leave you though sweat/breath anyway.

Just don't eat anything. For three days you should be fine. If your stomach hurts just drink water.

NOSHITGANG

I'm pretty Sure you are a Woman going on a hike for multiple days and you don't want to poop in the wild? These problems sound quite familiar xD

What a time to be alive!

I think this is for some sort of fanfic or roleplay, so:

Military food. If you want something old fashioned but not so bland like the european bread take a look at what paraguayan soldiers used during the three aliances war.

Steak and eggs, it's what astronauts use to not shit for days. your body absorbs most of the material rather than excreting it. your looking for anything "low residue".

Honestly, If u dont want to poop and eat as little as possible i would consider fasting. If zero food is too intimidating - pack some nuts.

Canned tuna. It's very dry and almost all protein so most of it gets absorbed by the body and you'll be pooping neat little bricks.

I haven't seen any comments suggesting a plug, so I guess it'll be me. Try using a butt plug.

I was here when the no-shit post jump started the popularity of this platform. My children will be so proud

lol this is hilarious, and I also hope you're okay, OP!

Now, some say this is the first Lemmy meme. I'm not sure that's the case, for what it's worth. However, it does feel exciting to see a meta moment like this! So absurd! 😂

Lemmy history!

Just start taking Adderall. If you're anything like me, you will have to remind yourself to eat more than 500 calories a day and then you will find yourself questioning how many days it has been since you even felt the need to poop.

Aha! You are joining the circus!!!

My only advice would be to have a back up plan. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail, and there's no guarantee you won't get an unpleasant surprise. You say you'll use the toilet if you're about to shit yourself, but what if you can't make it and do end up shitting yourself because you put it off so long?

8/10 with rice