I now understand why people need happy pills to get through their workdays. I have a big project that has blown past two deadlines and is about to blow past a third. This thing was miss managed six ways to Sunday before I even got to the company and now, because of bullshit I don’t understand, I am the project lead on this shit show.

(I am probably going to be the fall guy and I am already updating my resume)

Right now I am so stressed out and depressed I am having panic attacks and I can’t focus on my work. Because I can’t focus on my work, I get further behind and more stressed out, which mean I can’t focus and get further behind. Around and around we go.

If I could just turn off the stress long enough to lock in for a day or two I could get so much done (this is some really toxic thinking). However, the best I can do right now is watch YouTube shorts until I relax enough to do 15 min of work. I am this close (holds up fingers with tinny gap) to drinking at work just to cope with all this shit (seen people go through alcoholism, do not want to go down that road).

I don't know what I'm doing, I hate my job I hate my life, all I do is work, get stoned, sleep wake up repeat, I yearn for a passionate community someone that cares as much as me but isn't tied to a wage or a visa to enact change.

I want to run away but I'm scared I'll end up dissapointing eceryone.

KMS seems like the easy way out but I can't allow myself to do that people depend on me.

Why am I so weak? What should I do? Why am I here? Will I ever find love? Is it all a lie?

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