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Why I was banned from risa@startrek.website <mailto:risa@startrek.website> (imgur.com)
submitted 2 years ago by [M] to c/dronerights@lemm.ee
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[–] [S] 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

The behaviour I'm exhibiting is firm personal boundaries, strong conflict resolution skills, honesty and integrity, and nuanced approaches to disagreements. You can see all of those in the post.

  1. I didn't take it when this mod blamed their interpretation of my comment on me. I firmly and politely explained their misunderstanding with plenty of reasons.

  2. I suggested defusing the conflict multiple times and reminded them that they could walk away, even while they were insulting me.

  3. I gave them chances to grow by being direct about what they were doing wrong, without getting mean about it until the point they used violence.

  4. I empathised with their point of view and didn't get mad even when they used a slur. I gently directed them towards understanding that it's bad to insult people for being disabled instead.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

    You should probably check those interpretations with a person you trust.

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

    I checked with multiple people I trust. They all have no idea why people are so aggressive with me when I'm being so gentle.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 child)

    Then what remains is a difference of norms.

    What you and your trusted people deem gentle is interpreted in a different way here on Lemmy, by multiple people, at multiple occasions (as evidenced by both detailed feedback in this post, as well as downvotes).

    At least one of your feedback systems is ineffective, and you might find it useful to develop a more suitable way to convey or pick up context cues, or both, here. If you believe this is due to neurodivergent challenges, there are excellent groups here on Lemmy where you can both practice, and get inspired by others' strategies.

    Beyond that there are resources available both on the Internet, as well as at your local psychologist or support community. I remind you that practicing to get better takes effort, and effort is always easier to sustain as part of a supportive context. Don't set off on changing anything until you have a safe space to recover in as well as to catch you if you ever get frustrated or stuck.

    I do however believe it will be a skill that will serve you well, and for the rest of your life, and as such might be worth the effort.

    Best of luck!

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

    I already learned how to mask when I got my autism diagnosis. After a few months of practicing, everyone got along with me much better, and I wanted to kill myself.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (2 children)

    I am not suggesting masking, I'm suggesting finding useful and effective tools and strategies. Masking might have been useful in the short run, but as you mention - it is unsustainable.

    There are plenty of ways that don't require it, but they are somewhat culture and context specific, as well as require some care and support to make sure you're not accidentally masking.

    A psychologist or other trained specialist might be very useful to figure out a more sustainable way for this and related situations (if you feel you only have unsustainable strategies in a particular domain, they can help). Your support network might also be able to help, and I warmly recommend finding other neurodivergents to share camaraderie and experience how many ways there are to both be more of yourself, and a more effective communicator.

    For many neurodivergents, finding a community of like minded is both freeing - as your peers are both conscious and practiced not to mask, and helpful - as you get to witness and discuss many different strategies, as well as how they can be adapted to different personalities. Correctly done, it is also a great way to improve your self-reliance.

    Again, maybe a start would be to have a look at the neurodivergent comms here on the fediverse (as they will have experience with Lemmy situations), but feel free to find a group/groups suited to you, online or offline.

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 2 years ago

    When I play 4X games, I don't like to trade with the other empires and choose one of those "I give you ten money for five turns" deals. I'd rather give 50 money now. I think that's a common, natural, and healthy reaction. Humans don't like putting in ongoing effort to something. They want to fix the problem or accomplish the goal now. Get it all over with in one go, so they aren't drained later on. It's a good emotional reaction.

    But sometimes that's not possible. My problem getting along with people is a tough problem. You wanted to solve it. You wanted to do all the work in one go and good my life. But it's not always that easy. Sometimes the answer to these problems has to be ongoing effort to mitigate one's own biases. It's a displeasing thought. It sucks. I've been putting in ongoing effort for years and years. I did it. The idea that other people need to do that too? That society isn't perfect? That your own judgement isn't perfect? That you have to put in effort to not hate the way a pwNPD talks? Scary thought. Terrifying.

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  • [–] [S] -1 points 2 years ago

    I already have great tools. But tools don't work if other people decide to have a problem with the way I am. I'm autistic and NPD. In autism communities, people don't like that I have an air of superiority. In NPD communities, people don't like that I'm technically minded and nonresponsive to norms. I can't turn either of those off. The problem is empathy, or as I like to call it, mind reading. People can tell I think of myself more highly than them, and it personally offends them. They feel like it's an attack? I don't say it, I don't act like it, but they feel it. As for my part, well I feel violated that people are reading my mind without consent. Those thoughts are private. I can hide the thoughts by masking, but I don't want to mask. The strategies I have are how to resolve conflicts and be respectful while being who I am. While wanting to live.

    My conduct in the exchange at the top of this thread is exemplary. Personally, I think you're just using vibes based judgement instead of facts based judgement. I have aggressive vibes, I know. It's who I am, but it's not how I act. I speak with a precision and clarity that is like a blacksmith's hammer relentlessly striking metal. But I am gentle, but for the noisy clang of steel, when I choose to be. I was choosing to be gentle in that conversation up until they said I was banned again. If you disagree, I would prefer to be told so in facts rather than vibes.

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