this post was submitted on 01 Feb 2024
180 points (97.4% liked)
Asklemmy
43858 readers
1659 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy ๐
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- [email protected]: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
I am NOT joking. This is serious shit, I almost puked because my toots smell so bad. Listen, I'm not a psychopath. I just needed to use up some onions. In my defense, I had some steak with it too. Steak and onions, not a bad combo right? I flew too close to the sun. Too many onions.
I made the mistake of sitting on the couch and farting, now the place where I sat reeks to high hell. I'm surprised I didn't melt a hole through the fabric. I've been trying to fart outside on my balcony to keep from just blowing shit Febreeze in my flat. Now I'm sitting in my office chair and trying not to gag. I'm not squeamish, especially not with my own farts. This is different. Too many onions.
My whole apartment smells like a cross between an outhouse and a paper mill with a dash of rotten egg and diarrhea sprinkles. Why did I do this to myself?? I was a fool. Nay, I am a fool. I don't even want to think about the torrent of ass lava that I'll be subjected to tomorrow morning. I'm going to have animal control at my door thinking a family of possums died in the vents. How will I be able to tell my girlfriend that I can't come see her because I have putrid onion gas? This is a lamentable misstep on my part, I ate God's ass apple and now I'm paying the poo poo price. Too many onions.
UPDATE: As predicted, I did a world-ending dump that left my legs trembling and gave me what I can only describe as "the schwetts" (shit sweats). It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that the malignant stench my shit left is clinging to the walls like cigar smoke, except the cigar is just a turd. I was naive enough to leave my hand towel in the bathroom while I did the dark deed and it will now need to be burned, it absorbed the ass fumes like a greedy little sponge. Evacuating this demon crap from my body tired me out to the point of needing a nap afterwards. I'll be getting in touch with a local priest in hopes of getting my shitter blessed. I looked into the eyes of god and found only poo. Hell is real and it can be purchased for about $1.25 per pound
I laughed so much reading your comment I cried. Thank you for sharing!