If you like them, you can just buy one for your home. Expensive, but probably a better option than the murder you suggest.

We have plenty of bidets here in the States, they just install them outside the bathrooms and they mount them kind of high so they're kinda awkward to get a good clean angle, though.

I'm in Portugal and bidets are standard in all home toilets around here.

And it's not just here: the word itself - "bidet"- is actually French.

That said, they're invariably plain and no-frills around here.

Next time out down the katana and just learn some Japanese. You can say:

Toire o tsukatte mo ii desu ka?

And they will just let you use the bidet