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Advice on helping a loved one through alcoholism? (lemm.ee)

submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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My fiance has been struggling a lot lately with this and it's taking a toll on me. I'm doing all I can and all I know how to do but it's getting really hard and exhausting to deal with the constant cycle of abuse and then apology and then abuse and then apology over and over and over again for months. Usually day by day. I have convinced her to go to a counselor for help and she has an appointment set and seemed willing but she has kept up the cycle of drinking and I'm afraid she'll just ignore it or pretend to go. If anyone has experience helping a loved one through overcome this I would appreciate the help. She is an absolutely wonderful person when she is sober and I love her with all my heart but I'm not sure what else I can do and I don't want the rest of my life to consist of this.

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[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (14 children)

Do you really love this person? I mean really, like truly. Cuz you have to realize that this will most probably be like the rest of your life.

I did a similar mistake, married the wrong person out of pitty for her (I wanted to help her). Do understand, people don't change, at least not at the age of 25 and above (I assume you're both not in your teens). Damaged goods is not something I'd be willing to accept again as my life partner. Now I'm stuck with her for the next 15 years or so, till the kid grows up.

Think about having children with this person long and hard and whether you could endure that with a person like that. Marriages come and go, you 2 could get divorced, no harm no faul, but children are for life.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (7 children)

Neither of us want children and yes I really true love her. I'm not planning on leaving her I just want to help her through this. I know she can do this and I believe in her and I'm not going to give up on her until she gives up on herself. I'd take a bullet for her no second thought.

[–] [email protected] -3 points 1 year ago (3 children)

IDK what to tell you... mood swings will most probably be a part of your life. She drank for a reason, it made her feel good. When she doesn't have that fix, she's most probably like you experience her now. She might get better with time (less abusive), than again, chances are (from my experience) that she won't.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Well I had issues with drinking myself when I was younger and I got through it decently fine. I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience yourself but I'm really hoping it doesn't turn out that way here. Though I do know the possibility exists. When she's sober she still says she wants help. As long as she doesn't give up entirely on herself I'm not giving up on her either.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Hope is our biggest asset... as humans... and our biggest downfall... I had hope as well.

Sorry for saying this, but from my current perspective (experience), nah, I wouldn't take that chance. If I was in your place (not having to live through what I have, and still doing it BTW), yes, I most probably would take that chance as well.

A friend of mine once told me, entering a marrige with hope doesn't end well. From what I've seen around me (other examples and my own mother and father), yes, in most cases, it doesn't end well.

Basically, you're getting "damaged goods" in the start. If you feel like you're also damaged goods and need a lot of work (from one perspective or another), that's fine I guess, but I never felt like that. Sure, everyone has his/her quirks, no doubt there, but this is big. When pushing comes to shoving (as does from time to time in life), she'll probably just go into recession and start drinking again... and this will happen from time to time, not too often, bit then she'd go to rehab, you won't be with your partner for an undisclosed ammount of time... I mean, really? Is that what you'd want your life to be like? Talking from experience here, my family's and my own, trust me. Yes, people can change, but these are rare cases. Most of the time, they don't.