Spend half my life craving companionship, get what I want and crave to be alone. Why am I like this? Whatever the current state of my life is I will always want the thing it is not, like my brain exists in a state of perpetual discomfort with the current state of being.

What is it that I even want and why do I perpetually feel on edge regardless what decisions I make. Go outside? Want to be at home. Stay at home? Want to go outside. Can I just have something and be satisfied with it?