A comedian’s modest proposals for the Democratic Socialists of America

October 17, 2026 | By Larry David

I recently attended a meeting of the Democratic Socialists of America, where I officially enrolled as a member. Though I was new to the party, I put forth a number of proposals, many of which were met with considerable enthusiasm and, I’m happy to report, have now been incorporated into their manifesto. I present them herein.

1. Let’s never forget we’re all in this together. Therefore, we have determined that all doors to private homes must remain unlocked at all times. Strangers may enter as they please to open your fridge, use your bathroom, floss, or just relax and watch a ball game. This open-door policy is the perfect way to get to know our fellow Americans.
2. Our open-door policy will also be extended to our borders, where anyone will be able to enter our country if they choose to do so and will be welcomed by a marching band, performing a medley of John Philip Sousa Americana classics. Now that’s how you make a person feel at home!
3. We contend that the only way anyone can be rehabilitated is through the simple act of love. When the D.S.A. takes over, it will be our policy to close the jails and release all prisoners. Once released, the former prisoners will continue to walk around in their orange jumpsuits, the easier to spot them. People will be encouraged to give them a pat on the back, offer some words of encouragement, and maybe even get them to open up about their crimes. Imagine how upsetting it must be to know you’ve taken a life! To err is human, to forgive, divine. With empathy and compassion, it’s easy to see a day when these former convicts will be contributing to society in a very meaningful way.
4. In our Socialist America, everyone will be so fulfilled spiritually and financially that the police department will be dramatically reduced to where an officer’s only job will be to adjudicate domestic disputes. Toward that end, stands will be set up at local farmers markets, where they will work to resolve marital issues in a folksy, farm-to-table manner. Fresh berries will be provided.
5. There are individuals who feel a deep, psychological or spiritual identity as non-human animals and often wear costumes called “fur suits.” These individuals will have license to relieve themselves wherever they choose to do so, without shame or harassment. Poop-bag dispensers will be placed throughout every city and in all public establishments, along with scratching posts.

“Stands will be set up at local farmers markets, where police officers will work to resolve marital issues in a folksy, farm-to-table manner. Fresh berries will be provided.”

6. The loss of a dog can be devastating and, in some cases, worse than even when a human passes. Recognizing that, we at the D.S.A. will institute a three-week bereavement period during which pet mourners will continue to receive full work compensation. This benefit will also apply to the loss of a cat, turtle, parakeet, or goldfish. For certain farm animals, such as chickens, donkeys, goats, and pigs, the bereavement period will be reduced to two weeks. Conversely, if you are the proud owner of a new pet, you’ll be granted a two-week paternity leave to bond with, house-train, and teach it commands. You’d be surprised what a goldfish can do if you get them early.
7. In an effort to make amends for centuries of slavery, reparations will be instituted, along with a lottery system in which white people will be selected to serve as slaves to Black families for one year. Lashings are encouraged for excessive whining, and government-issued whips will be distributed at no cost.
8. We’re not above using great ideas that have been implemented successfully in other countries. One of them that we’re very excited about is the siesta for the workingman. There will be two siestas every business day, the first from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., and another one in the afternoon, from 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. Employers will be required to provide cots.
9. The D.S.A. has great respect for religious traditions. Because of our burgeoning Muslim population, we want to take all measures to give these people a strong sense of belonging in America. Along those lines, we’ll require that all Caucasian women wear a hijab on weekends in solidarity with their Muslim sisters. In addition, Jews will no longer be allowed to refer to themselves as “the Chosen People.” Henceforth, their new nickname will be “the Bagel People.”
10. We strongly believe in a two-state solution. To this end, we propose that Palestinians should be given all the land currently occupied by Israel and that Israel should be given Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific, where the weather is beautiful and grapefruits are aplenty. We think the Bagel People will be very happy there.
11. Firing is prohibited in Socialist America. The only way anyone will be able to replace a worker is to trade them to another company, like they do in professional sports. The worker will also have a “no trade” clause in their contract so it can be voided if they choose to do so.
12. We Democratic Socialists love to laugh … but not at the expense of others. The last thing we want is for any person to be offended by a joke that targets them or someone they know. No one should ever have their feelings hurt. Consequently, any comedian who is responsible for causing emotional discomfort in any way will be sent to a facility where they will be re-programmed and hopefully emerge with a greater awareness of the sensitivities of their fellow citizens. If, however, the re-programming is unsuccessful, the repeat offender will be sent to Pitcairn Island to live with the Bagel People.

Well, there you have it. We’re very excited about the opportunities and challenges that lie ahead. Our ideals can be summed up by a great philosopher who once said, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” We hope you’ll consider joining.