My ex and I were together for around 1.5 years in an LDR. He had tried to break up with me around 4 times before, but I would plead with him and he would come back, tell me he loved me, and talk about our future and marriage.

This September, he came to meet me, and that's when I found out he had been using a dating app, swiping on women, sexting at least one woman, and sharing his WhatsApp, Telegram and Instagram with girls. He said there was no physical connection, but I still consider it cheating.

He also told me that his family was his responsibility while I was a choice, and that he could change his choice but couldn't leave his responsibility.

What confuses me is that before all this, he was still talking about our future and marriage and acting committed. Now I'm trying to understand what actually happened and how much of the relationship had already changed from his side.

I also pushed away a close friend becnause my ex had issues with him. I became distant, blocked him and eventually ghosted him because I was so focused on my relationship. After the breakup, I finally reached out to that friend, but he saw my messages and didn't reply.

Now I feel like I lost a genuine friend because I gave so much of myself to a relationship that ended anyway. Most people don't know about the cheating, so they probably think we simply broke up because we were incompatible and I was too dependent.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago (8 children)

He was the one who proposed to me first, telling me how much he loved me, and I accepted his proposal. Everything was going smoothly. Then, after his birthday, he told me he was feeling emotionally drained and wanted to break up with me. This was the first time I pleaded and begged him to stay. The next day, he agreed to stay, and things became loveydovey again.

The second time, he said he couldn't commit to me because of his family. I cried and begged him to stay, but eventually, I accepted the situation. After that, we took some space, and a month later, he came back and confessed his love for me again. He said he wanted to commit to me and spend his whole life with me.

After that, everything was going fine again. The third breakup happened when he said he was exhausted and was the kind of person who couldn't feel love every day. He said I was too emotional, needed reassurance, and was emotionally dependent on him. But the main reason I kept asking for reassurance was that he had already threatened to leave me twice. I was afraid he would leave again because he had already done it before.

As for emotional dependency, he was the kind of person who could spend an entire day alone without texting or calling me. Whenever we talked, i was usually the one who initiated the conversation.

The fourth breakup happened when he was talking to other girls. Everything seemed fine, but I noticed that he was becoming distant. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, so I asked him what was going on and how he was feeling. He then told me he wanted to break up because I seemed like AI, we lived far away from each other, and he needed an emotional connection. He wanted a girl he could hug and someone who could be physically closer to him.

I asked him if he was talking to someone else or wanted to date someone who lived closer to him. I told him that if that was the case, he could be honest with me.

Then I remembered something he had once told me that whenever he wanted to leave, he would come back to me like a boomerang. He had also told me that I didn't have an ego, that I always tried to stop him from leaving because I was a good person, and that he loved me.

So, once again, I tried to stop him from leaving. The next day, he agreed to stay, and he sent me another lovey dovey message. He said he saw a future with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and wanted to become a better person for me. He even called me his emotional anchor and said I had brought him out of darkness. He said I was the kind of girl he could see himself spending his life with.

Everything seemed fine again. Then he came to meet me, and while scrolling through his phone, I came across his ChatGPT history. I found things that made me realise he had been exploring other girls and sexual possibilities.

When I confronted him about it, he said, Now you have a valid reason to leave me. You can leave me. He also said he no longer had any feelings for me and that he was emotionally drained.

It was the same person who, just a few minutes earlier, had been telling me that he loved me. But after I confronted him about what I had found, he suddenly said he didn't love me anymore and told me I could leave him.

Another thing I found in his ChatGPT history was that he said he urgently needed ..... He also mentioned that his friends brought girls over and that they were having fun in the room next to his, which was distracting him.

What I don't understand is how someone can keep a girl emotionally attached to him by repeatedly saying he loves her and wants to spend his life with her, while apparently thinking about other girls whenever he wanted to leave, I would plead with him to stay, and he would eventually come back, reassure me, and make promises about our future. Yes, I begged him because I loved him and was terrified of losing him, but he also chose to stay and give me those assurances.

Now I keep wondering why he kept coming back and telling me he loved me if he no longer wanted this relationship. Why did he make me believe in a future with him when his actions were making me question everything? I genuinely loved him and trusted his promises, and now I'm left trying to understand what was real and why he treated me this way.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 8 child comments
  • [–] 2 points 1 day ago (7 children)

    I know this might not be making sense to you right now. No matter why it ended, your grief is real and it will take time to work through it.

    That said, the answer to all your questions about why is most likely because when he tried to figure out what he wanted or needed, you basically told him no, he most likely said and did those things simply because he didn't want you to hurt and because he thought those things were the things you wanted.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 7 child comments
  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago (6 children)

    Was our breakup my fault? If I had been less emotionally dependent and given him more space, would he have stayed and been faithful. One more personal thing after I caught him cheating, I begged him to stay and offered to be intimate with him for the first time. He initially said no, but later agreed. We were intimate for two days, and after he went back to his city, he told me he hadn’t actually wanted to but had done it because he didn’t want me to feel bad about him leaving just for ... He also said he didn’t really enjoy it, and that hurt me a lot.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 6 child comments
  • [–] 3 points 1 day ago (3 children)

    Also, I humbly suggest you try to stop thinking about this in terms of what you could have done differently. The likely answer to that is "nothing". Most likely this is about who you are and who he is.

    We learn by trying and succeeding or failing. He tried really loving you and found something missing. It's just as likely that he is still missing what he needs in himself as it is that he didn't find what he needed in the match.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 3 child comments
  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago (2 children)

    Yes you're right. I think deep down, I have this feeling that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. If he truly loved me, I keep wondering why he repeatedly threatened to leave me and left me crying all those nights, begging him to stay and unable to sleep. And why would he cheat and sext other girls while being in a relationship with me? I know I'll never fully understand what was going on in his mind, but it's so hard to accept that someone I loved so deeply could make those choices.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 2 child comments
  • [–] 2 points 1 day ago* (1 child)

    To a certain extent here, I am assuming he was honestly trying. There's always the chance he really is just an asshole who was being manipulative.

    All I can say is that when people get stressed out they start doing mean things to each other. I have to think some of these things are things he did not to be mean, but because he didn't know healthy ways to end things or get space, so he was unkind instead.

    I don't really know the whole story here, I am making some guesses based on my own history, my own relationship mistakes. I can never truly have the right answer here. If I'm lucky, some of the things I say may help you figure out that it's possible to care about someone and still not have it work out, just because everyone is still learning.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago

    Thank you for being honest with me and sharing your perspective. I understand that you don't know the whole story, and I appreciate you trying to help me see things differently. I know it's possible to care about someone and still be incompatible, and I can accept that we both made mistakes. I think what hurts me most is the cheating and how suddenly his words changed. I keep wondering how someone who was talking about fighting for our future minutes earlier could turn around and treat me that way. I'm trying to understand things without blaming myself for everything, and your replies have genuinely helped me reflect on that.

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 2 points 1 day ago (1 child)

    We all learn and make mistakes. As is usually the case, I suspect you were both at fault. You both tried too hard to make something you imagined real.

    He is just as guilty for not sticking up for himself as you may be for pushing. You may have asked him to keep trying, but he's the one that said ok when I suspect he didn't really want to.

    It always hurts when it ends but I hope you take some comfort in knowing he probably did it because he thought you were someone worth sacrificing for.

    This was clearly a lesson he had to learn the hard way. I'm sorry he ended up hurting you in the process.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago

    But if he felt guilty about not wanting to continue, why did he repeatedly leave me crying, begging him to stay, and unable to sleep? He was the one who told me I was his choice and that he could change his choice. Just minutes before I caught him cheating, he was talking about fighting for us, but after I confronted him, he smirked and told me to leave because now I had a valid reason to break up with him. He even said I was the reason for everything and that I was no longer his priority. Then, just 14 days after our breakup, he sent a gift to a girl he had a crush on a year ago on her birthday...lol i was a fool in love ignoring all those red flags...

  • source
  • parent