My ex and I were together for around 1.5 years in an LDR. He had tried to break up with me around 4 times before, but I would plead with him and he would come back, tell me he loved me, and talk about our future and marriage.

This September, he came to meet me, and that's when I found out he had been using a dating app, swiping on women, sexting at least one woman, and sharing his WhatsApp, Telegram and Instagram with girls. He said there was no physical connection, but I still consider it cheating.

He also told me that his family was his responsibility while I was a choice, and that he could change his choice but couldn't leave his responsibility.

What confuses me is that before all this, he was still talking about our future and marriage and acting committed. Now I'm trying to understand what actually happened and how much of the relationship had already changed from his side.

I also pushed away a close friend becnause my ex had issues with him. I became distant, blocked him and eventually ghosted him because I was so focused on my relationship. After the breakup, I finally reached out to that friend, but he saw my messages and didn't reply.

Now I feel like I lost a genuine friend because I gave so much of myself to a relationship that ended anyway. Most people don't know about the cheating, so they probably think we simply broke up because we were incompatible and I was too dependent.

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[–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago (6 children)

Was our breakup my fault? If I had been less emotionally dependent and given him more space, would he have stayed and been faithful. One more personal thing after I caught him cheating, I begged him to stay and offered to be intimate with him for the first time. He initially said no, but later agreed. We were intimate for two days, and after he went back to his city, he told me he hadn’t actually wanted to but had done it because he didn’t want me to feel bad about him leaving just for ... He also said he didn’t really enjoy it, and that hurt me a lot.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 day ago (3 children)

    Also, I humbly suggest you try to stop thinking about this in terms of what you could have done differently. The likely answer to that is "nothing". Most likely this is about who you are and who he is.

    We learn by trying and succeeding or failing. He tried really loving you and found something missing. It's just as likely that he is still missing what he needs in himself as it is that he didn't find what he needed in the match.

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago (2 children)

    Yes you're right. I think deep down, I have this feeling that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. If he truly loved me, I keep wondering why he repeatedly threatened to leave me and left me crying all those nights, begging him to stay and unable to sleep. And why would he cheat and sext other girls while being in a relationship with me? I know I'll never fully understand what was going on in his mind, but it's so hard to accept that someone I loved so deeply could make those choices.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 day ago* (1 child)

    To a certain extent here, I am assuming he was honestly trying. There's always the chance he really is just an asshole who was being manipulative.

    All I can say is that when people get stressed out they start doing mean things to each other. I have to think some of these things are things he did not to be mean, but because he didn't know healthy ways to end things or get space, so he was unkind instead.

    I don't really know the whole story here, I am making some guesses based on my own history, my own relationship mistakes. I can never truly have the right answer here. If I'm lucky, some of the things I say may help you figure out that it's possible to care about someone and still not have it work out, just because everyone is still learning.

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago

    Thank you for being honest with me and sharing your perspective. I understand that you don't know the whole story, and I appreciate you trying to help me see things differently. I know it's possible to care about someone and still be incompatible, and I can accept that we both made mistakes. I think what hurts me most is the cheating and how suddenly his words changed. I keep wondering how someone who was talking about fighting for our future minutes earlier could turn around and treat me that way. I'm trying to understand things without blaming myself for everything, and your replies have genuinely helped me reflect on that.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 day ago (1 child)

    We all learn and make mistakes. As is usually the case, I suspect you were both at fault. You both tried too hard to make something you imagined real.

    He is just as guilty for not sticking up for himself as you may be for pushing. You may have asked him to keep trying, but he's the one that said ok when I suspect he didn't really want to.

    It always hurts when it ends but I hope you take some comfort in knowing he probably did it because he thought you were someone worth sacrificing for.

    This was clearly a lesson he had to learn the hard way. I'm sorry he ended up hurting you in the process.

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 day ago

    But if he felt guilty about not wanting to continue, why did he repeatedly leave me crying, begging him to stay, and unable to sleep? He was the one who told me I was his choice and that he could change his choice. Just minutes before I caught him cheating, he was talking about fighting for us, but after I confronted him, he smirked and told me to leave because now I had a valid reason to break up with him. He even said I was the reason for everything and that I was no longer his priority. Then, just 14 days after our breakup, he sent a gift to a girl he had a crush on a year ago on her birthday...lol i was a fool in love ignoring all those red flags...

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