I’ve always envied the bodies and mannerisms of women. I present as a woman online. I practice a feminine voice in the car. I take on feminine posture behind locked doors. I browse Amazon for cute clothes but never buy them. All in all I’m just playing pretend.

Are you doing all of that, in private, for yourself? If so it's not pretending at being a woman, it's practice. If anything you're desperately trying to stop pretending at being a man. Just because you've:

• Been socialized to be a man
• Dealt with institutions that reinforce that
• Had others force male gender on you
• Had to fight puberty

Does not mean you are a man. It means you've been socialized and conditioned as one and you're desperate to be yourself.

As for timing, it is never too late. Age will provide more barriers to deal with, but it will get better if you decide to transition. I started at 33. I know people that started in their 40's and a few older than that. When you are safe to try and transition, it's there for you.

People transition on Medicare without jobs. I promise you can at least look at estrogen or what is available through health insurance if you have any. If you're feeling particularly motivated and willing to deal with the fallout of leaving: see if you can talk to orgs like Rainbow Railroad to land somewhere that will actually give you care, like Seattle, Minneapolis, Chicago, California, Illinois, etc.

I know people have come out to some very hateful people. But I cannot stress enough how much I would become an absolute pariah if I did. How much hate would be aimed in my direction. Maybe the capability really is in me, and I’m just a coward.

This is why people say transition is brave. We are literally radicals when it comes to our identity. We truly hurt ourselves when we're hiding it, so the pain of ostracization feels like nothing compared to that.

And what if my dysphoria is worse after the fact. What if all I’ll ever see in a man in a dress?

And what if your dysphoria is better and you get to see the woman you are? I can't promise you'll be a bombshell, but I can say that looking the part, even if it's flawed, helps so so much with dysphoria. If you can get reaffirmation, even if it's from medical staff or support groups, it will also sincerely help you a lot.

All of what you are feeling is valid as fuck. Many of us have thoughts like this and you'll always have places like this to turn to for support. The brave thing, the thing that will help you, is not giving up. Even when it's scary and others think it's wrong. We don't hurt anyone when we transition. We only hurt ourselves when we don't.