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Am I genuine? (lemmy.zip)
submitted 3 days ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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I’m trans. I can’t escape this fact any longer.

But I dont think I could ever come out or transition. I know people will say it would be worth it in the end. But I cannot stress enough just how much this would obliterate me socially.

I’m 34 now.

I’ve only done a few things to change my appearance. I shaved my face and I keep it as clean as possible. I also lost a lot of weight, and am really skinny now. I saw a trans woman YouTuber and felt envy over her body, and I wanted to get as close to that as I could.

I also put on clear nail polish, and I practice my “voice” in the car alone.

I call myself “she” on discord, and take the female roles if the server has it. I just express my inner self in a way that feels natural and I seem to pass fairly well on there. I was talking with one woman on there and asked her something about her job being difficult. She said “girl, you have no idea”. “Girl”. That one thing filled me with such happiness I can’t even explain it.

But That’s basically the extent of my “transition” so far, if I can even call it that. I’m sorry if this post read a bit chaotically. I’m tired and just trying to type this out before I sit down for the evening.

I wholly confess I am just looking for validation. But don’t lie to me. Am I genuine? Even right now can I call myself a woman?

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[–] 29 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 child)

I started transitioning at 52 years old. I didn't have any idea what gender dysphoria actually was until I was 51. At 49 I was misgendered over the phone. A woman called me "ma'am" like 5 times. I had no idea why that felt so good.

Eventually I realized that I am a woman and that I've always been a woman and started investigating what I could do about this.

There's no time limit, and transitioning is a choice. For me it was the correct one. I knew there could be negative things in my future but i felt that no matter what, my newly found sense of self love and caring outweighed any consequences or side effects. Chasing the euphoria and self care became the best thing to ever happen in my life.

Sadly the consequences have recently arrived. I lost family over it and I was kicked out of the house a month ago. But I will never look back and say that my transition was a mistake because I calculated those risks. The family members I lost were already bigots and would have never come around. The friend I lost over becoming unhoused was sadly fair weathered.

Transgender people can face difficult challenges negotiating relationships and sometimes we aren't accepted. That can be a very daunting thing to think about before beginning. But for me, I am glad I can see those people for who they really are. People that I can no longer tolerate in my life.

I will tell you what helped me to decide. I literally wrote down lists. 1 list of Reasons to transition. 1 list of things that I remembered from my past to help me see why it might be a good thing. 1 list of challenges I would have to face. Writing everything down over the course of several days was exactly what I needed.

Only you can make this decision. And it is a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. But you can always start HRT and stop if you don't think it's helping. There is no shame in trying it even if it's just for a week or a month.

I wish you the best. Whether you decide to move forward or not is up to you. But even if you don't, just the process of self discovery is so important and I am happy that you are at least willing to explore and learn more about yourself. Whatever you decide, you can keep that momentum going.

Be good to yourself.

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