Yes. If I was a Bolshevik in the RSDLP I would genuinely be sick to my stomach. I would still follow the will of the party and the central committee because I am committed to building the Party and the Revolution no matter the cost because that is exactly what it means to be a Bolshevik.
I would be completely paralyzed if it was decision. I don't have the strength of heart, the strength of will, nor the wisdom to find the correct path like Lenin.
But I am not Lenin, nor am I in the RSDLP(B) nor am I a member of pizzle so I thankful am for once in my life outside of the whole shitshow. I can however observe and take lessons to suggest to my people and anyone else willing to listen.