I believe you'll find it. Gender isn't simple for me either, but the more I allow myself to be myself and explore every side of myself, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin.

I think a lot of depictions of trans people is that they have some innate sense of who they are, how they want their body to look and how they want to be perceived. While this is certainly true for some trans people, it's definitely not all of them, and I'd go so far as to say it's probably the minority.

I certainly didn't have a clear image of what I wanted out of transition before starting, only a very specific list of traits I most certainly didn't like (being sweaty, smelly, emotionless, covered in thick body hair, having my whole body be either pointy bone or hard muscle, eventually going bald, ...), and started HRT cause it would kill pretty much all those birds with one stone (or at least had the potential to, and certainly wouldn't make anything worse). Literally every other aspect of my transition, be it clothing or name/pronouns, has been me basically going "hey if I'm already doing the HRT thing I might as well give every other way I could transition a try and see if I like anything", so I've just been throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks. I've been through like 5 different names and have more or less concluded that I'm happy with my original name. I've tried quite a few different pronouns and so far I still don't know if I prefer any of them over being called "he". Feminine clothing turned out to be pretty fun and I like wearing it, but I'm also not throwing out my old wardrobe because sometimes the dorky graphic tee with a bad science pun is exactly how I'm feeling. Nail polish is a yes, facial makeup a hard no.

Not sure where I'm going with this, I guess I just wanted to make it clear that transition isn't necessarily a linear journey where you already know exactly where you're going before you set out, it's more of a wandering exploration as you come out of your shell and gradually figure out what makes you happy, and there might be many changes of direction throughout.

Are you Zooble? 🥺

I (AMAB transfem) definitely wouldn't go into anything expecting to have an idea of the end result. I certainly didn't. I started with changing my clothing, my hair, tucking, painting my nails, and experimenting with my voice. I started voice therapy, trying to get the tools not to specifically sound feminine (at this point I called myself agender and/or nonbinary), but to have better control over my voice. I only started HRT on a low dosage after feeling how good trying out a more feminine gender expression felt. Those changes felt very good, and very affirming, so I upped the dosage. I added medications. Eventually, I got surgeries. I never had some clear image or path laid out for me. I just did each next step one at a time, whatever felt right for me.

You don't need to start with some big decision of the final state that will "fix" your dysphoria. Just start by experimenting, finding what feels right, and as more parts click into place, figure out what sticks out. For me, that was my voice. Then it was my figure. Then it was my face. Etc. Start not with finding out how to fix what's bad, but finding what does feel good. I had to try plenty of things I ended up not liking on my path to finding what's right for me. The rest will come.

Don't think of your gender expression, figure, or presentation as a problem to be solved as a whole. That's approaching it from the wrong direction. Start with gender experimentation, and when you find things that feel good, that's a sign to keep experimenting in that direction. If you are able, I highly recommend therapy with someone that has worked with trans people before. You might be able to find programs in your area that can help you find that if you aren't able to afford or find it on your own.

You got this <3