So framing this as philosophy-versus-sports, which wins [...] smuggles in the same zero-sum, must-crown-a-victor logic you're accusing sports fans of

That's why I called it "the meta," it was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and self-deprecating. I was poking fun at myself for the seeming inconsistency there. I probably could have left out that entire last paragraph and it would have been better but sometimes I forget that my oddball humor doesn't always come across the way I intend it to