Nah man, causing people I love to suffer on account of my actions is something I want to avoid whenever I can.

Yeah I wouldn't be around to be actively bothered by it, but I care about others and the impact I have quite a bit.

I have hope that I can help make a better tomorrow, I can't do that by causing those I love to suffer.

To be the person that someone used to know, that when conversations get close to they get quiet, and for people to hang their heads at the thought of me. I have enough people in my past that are that way, I don't want to be that person for someone else.

Horror for you as you approach death as well.

If you think you'll "be ready" when faced by impending oblivion, I'd say maybe, but probably not.

My maternal grampa wasn't and he was old as shit when he died. The only reason the rest of my grandparents were OK with dying is because they thought they were going to fucking heaven.