I mean, again, I appreciate the effort to help. Most people just dogpile on me the moment I show any sign of weakness. But I don't think this is something I can recover from.

You correctly identified that I do have low self-esteem. It comes from a combination of childhood trauma and a lifetime of put-downs, social rejection, and ostracization.

If someone does this its called a them problem, not a you problem.

Right, but if everyone around me has a "them problem," then I can't exactly point that out or they'll just tell me something like "If everyone around you is an asshole, you're the asshole" without examining things like cultural assholery or widespread social stigma. Yes, I live in a conservative area, and most people around me are assholes, but it has messed with my mind at times. I do look internally and examine myself and try to find the reasons why maybe I'm the one who's wrong. That doesn't help me low self-esteem though, and it doesn't change the cultural environment that I'm in. It feels kinda like being collectively gaslit at times.

But I've tried moving to more progressive areas too, and it's tough because I struggle to make friends anyway. And it seems like everyone there assumes I'm a conservative, either because of my demographic, or because of where I'm from, or how I talk (I have kind of a mumble common in rural areas, and if I try to annunciate it sounds stiff and forced; also don't really know the urban lingo, and even if I try to emulate it I sound cringe, like an old man trying to be hip), or because I don't know how to navigate around all the potential faux pas, or I don't understand all the cultural references. And ultimately I get more hate in these areas because I stand out more; versus where I'm from as long as I keep my mouth shut nobody knows that I'm really a socialist and that I hate all maga fascists, so I can at least slide under the radar. Except for when I try to socialize and people pin me out as weird, of course).

So yeah, most people call me arrogant if I have the audacity to expect the same respect that everyone else deserves. To conservatives, it's because nobody deserves respect unless they're born into wealth and status; to progressives, it's because a white man demanding basic respect is basically the same thing as white supremacy and male chauvinism.

I'm tired too.

Yeah, I am a goofball. I used to like being a goofball, but apparently society hates it so I'm not allowed to love that about myself. Everything I used to appreciate about myself (which was challenging to find in the first place, and I had to make a deliberate effort in therapy and during my self-help years) got labeled as "arrogance," "vanity," "self-centeredness," etc.. It's like I'm not allowed to have self-love. Again, it's because to conservatives no one is allowed to love themselves (except the privileged, of course), and to progressives, cishet white men aren't allowed to love themselves. It's a rock and a hard place.

you might as well stand there with a knife faced inward when you talk about yourself this way

I have often enough, both literally and figuratively. But don't worry, I'm not at risk of that anymore. I think that phase of my struggle is firmly in the past.

my family were my first bullies

Same.

we ignore bullies

It's hard when they're the only people you have interactions with on a regular basis. They're much more subtle about their disapproval now, enough that I can pretend the undertones aren't there anymore. It keeps the peace.

whoever called you pathetic growing up was a weak little liar putting a child down

Yes. But no one cares about my childhood trauma, they just tell me to "grow up and get over it," which ignores the clinical definition of trauma and the complex, long-term, cognitive developmental consequences of growing up in that kind of environment.

why not care for those wounds eh?

All I can do at this point is massage the scar tissue, but that's not going away.

yeah, healing takes years and struggle will always be present

Yes.

but how you handle that struggle internally, without blaming and criticizing yourself, that will make a difference.

But I know I'm not perfect. Trauma embedded itself in my cognitive patterns, I internalized some of the programming, and earlier in my adulthood I made some serious mistakes that caused pain for other people. It feels wrong to give myself a pass for that, but there's no path to redemption either because in this world genuine remorse is viewed as a weakness to dogpile on. Even admitting that I've never been perfect seems to be taken as free license to accuse me of all the worst things they can imagine. And if I say "No, I've never done that," then they point to the (much lesser) mistakes that I have made and openly acknowledge, as if that somehow proves that I'm guilty of everything that anyone can accuse me of...

"Own your mistakes!" I do! But that ain't one of them.

most outward human "failures", like not hitting life benchmarks or whatever, are systemic anyway

Yeah, I rejected social standards of "success," but now everyone views me as a worthless flop. My firm philosophical conviction that "success" isn't defined by the extrinsic factors dictated by capitalist systems has amounted to nothing.

haha but this is life. Without struggle there are no wins and everyone "loses" sometimes. Im losing the game of life right now myself.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way, and I hope you'll pull through. I think you will. It's extremely rare for someone to be as hopeless as I am, which is why I understand why you're still trying to be encouraging.

Last couple years youve made progress? yeah? that is dope! look how much youve done! I bet it hasnt been an easy road! That is not pathetic mate. So why the fuck you out here lying, telling folks youre pathetic when youve already come so far?

I've made progress learning to cope with my situation. It's the acceptance stage of grief. Even in therapy the goal shifted from "getting better" to "learning coping mechanisms," as if my therapist expected me not to even notice!