A very cold apple juice + a very strong espresso will turn you into a propelled vehicle in about 30minutes. Hope you read this early enough.

A Poop one a week is totaly fine but if you're unsuccessfully trying for a bowel movement/poop for 3 hours something's not right. A more fiber richt diet might help. Also drinking enough water helps. Mabe get something like a squatty-potty or channel your inner rat king.

Have you tried magnesium? You can get it in a lot of different foods. Just look up what foods have it. You can also take magnesium supplements. I used to be like you, and once I started taking magnesium it got me to go regularly like everybody else.