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FEMA disaster chief claims he is able to teleport and 'landed in a ditch' (www.themirror.com)
submitted 6 months ago by to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world
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Of course it was a waffle house he "teleported" to. Seems you never end up at one by choice.

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[–] 24 points 6 months ago (8 children)

I too have figured out teleportation. All it takes is for me to consume a bottle of tequila, and I wake up some time later in a dumpster outside of a Wal Mart. Two things I have yet to figure out; why is it always a dumpster outside Wal Mart? And why do I always lose my pants when passing through the quantum realm? Who, or what, is stealing my pants?

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  • [–] 11 points 6 months ago (3 children)

    Through Tequila, all things are possible

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  • [–] 4 points 6 months ago (1 child)

    Aliens!! Tequila also must summon Aliens...
    See, I once was out drinking tequila in the town with my mates then, in a blink of an eye, it was the next day and I was in my bed. I think I was abducted by Alienssss.

    Whisky too.
    There's been a few times when drinking whisky that I've either teleported to a completely different place. Or lost large swathes of time but stayed in the same place.
    Also those aliens would sometimes puke on me, or strip me and leave me in my bath then shit on me. Those quirky filthy bastards!!

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  • [–] 3 points 6 months ago

    It was tequila that caused another mysterious event. I was on a binge and this attractive woman took me back to her place. Then the blackout. The very next morning, she still had a pretty face but had gained 40 pounds overnight. Inexplicable.

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