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True Ally (thelemmy.club)
submitted 9 months ago by [M] to c/Tumblr@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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[–] 53 points 9 months ago (18 children)

I don't think that would be my reaction as a straight man, but I could see why some people could be upset by others thinking that they were gay. It means you are not projecting the kind of appearance and energy you are trying to. It's like telling a trans man "oh when we first met I thought you were a woman." Maybe they can laugh that off but it probably stings still. It doesn't mean they think being a woman is inferior to being a man.

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  • [–] 24 points 9 months ago (5 children)

    Yeah, this kinda feels similar to the whole "you can't be racist against white people/sexist against men" that tries to turn it into a cycle of revenge rather than bring anyone together.

    It seems just like false flag division tactics. On the surface it seems like a good point, but you peel it back a bit and see it's more likely to just drive away people who might otherwise be on your side for not being "supportive enough".

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  • [–] -4 points 9 months ago (4 children)

    If you're not comfortable being perceived as lgbt+, are you an ally?

    I think that's what this post is asking.

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  • [–] 11 points 9 months ago

    I fall in to the +, but not gay. I spent my teen years with people assuming I was gay because I didn't project masculinity, nor fawn over/chase women. It was frustrating to be misidentified. I'm sure people who don't fit into LGBT+ are similarly annoyed at being misidentified.

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  • [–] 11 points 9 months ago (2 children)

    It's not a part of my identity, so no, I'm not. I just think that it should be irrelevant to whether or not someone should be allowed to exist or be respected as an equal. Does that make me an enemy?

    I'd also feel weird if someone randomly said I seemed like an artist. Even though I've made an art or two over the years, it's not a label I consider a part of my identity. Hell, even labels I do consider part of my identity can feel weird if someone randomly said I seemed like that out of a context where I'm demonstrating that. It's nothing against anyone who identifies as any of those labels, but more of a general discomfort from being reminded that no one really knows me but will try to quantify and qualify who I am anyways.

    It's like saying "if you don't want to be one of us, you must hate us".

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  • [–] 0 points 9 months ago (1 child)

    What does the implied perception have to do with your own wants?

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  • [–] 7 points 9 months ago

    Not entirely sure what you're asking, like if others' perception of me threatens my identity or something? It's not that big of a deal. Discomfort, not distress or outrage.

    To be clear, the issue I have is using this as a shit test, not that people might label me wrong. It's going to happen, it's just not comfortable. But treating reacting with discomfort as if it implies hatred is just going to start a conflict where there wasn't one and increase division in a time when we really don't need more things dividing us.

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  • [–] 12 points 9 months ago

    There's more to it than that, being gay 30 years ago was enough to ruin your career - even if there wasn't any proof. This is where the term "metrosexual" came from in the 2000s. Being gay was so bad that men came up with a word that meant "I'm straight but I like to shower and dress nicely."

    So if you're a Millennial or older, odds are that you still carry the scars from that stigma to some extent, even if you're an ally. When I was a kid, calling something gay was the worst you could get without swearing.

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  • [–] -1 points 9 months ago (10 children)

    There's no difference between a gay man and a straight man, outside of specifically who they're trying to fuck. Suggesting someone might be one or the other isn't harmful, since there's no real way to tell without asking.

    Telling a man they didn't pass is rude af.

    I don't see how those can be equivocated. Sexual preference and gender identity are different things defined, characterized, and experienced in wildly different ways.

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  • [–] 10 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (5 children)

    You literally mention the difference but then want to ignore the implications of that difference.

    Gay men and Straight men generally have differences on average in what they do to attract perceived partners past the baselines of having a pulse and being a functional human being.

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  • [–] -2 points 9 months ago (4 children)

    Yes, but that's all social and varies person to person, region to region, etc. Even if there are typical differences, that's not a rule. Which is the point.

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  • [–] 5 points 9 months ago (2 children)

    So in one sentence you say there is no way to tell, in the next you say there are differences, then back to "it's hard to define, therefore there are no differences at all".

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  • [–] 1 point 9 months ago

    Even if there are typical differences, that’s not a rule. Which is the point.

    Something not being a rule doesnt make it locally insignificant. People in these various regions and cultures all have general ideas of how they would like to outwardly present themselves.

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  • [–] 5 points 9 months ago (1 child)

    I get what you mean, and certainly you never know for sure if someone is straight or gay when you first get to know them... but are you saying you never make assumptions based on how someone dresses, talks, carries themselves, and interacts with the men and women around them?

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