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I'm a woman but due to my interests in traditionally masculine activities and general disinterest in conventional gendered behaviours, I hang around a lot of men. Most of my close friends have been men. From my experience, if men want to improve their mental health then they need to develop a better relationship with vulnerability and the shame they've been conditioned to feel around that.
Mental health stigma exists for everyone and as a society we need to fuck this right off. Mental health challenges are part of the human experience in the same way physical illnesses are and we need to support people accordingly. I've noticed that a lot of men tend to have issues with expressing their feelings out of fear of being vulnerable. The outdated myth that men are less emotional really doesn't help this situation either. This can also create barriers for men in seeking mental health support, both formal and informal.
It needs to more okay for men to be vulnerable. All people are vulnerable and it doesn't make you weak. All people need support at some point in their lives. Emotions are really hard and it's better to recognise and acknowledge them than it is to push them down. Expressing vulnerability and overcoming difficult feelings shows bravery and strength.
Every single man I know tells his version of the same story: You confide in a woman, you tell her something you're upset about, something you're insecure about, you open up...and she uses it as a weapon against you the next time she's angry. She wasn't offering her support, she was arming herself.
Women talk a big game about wanting men to be more emotional, more vulnerable, more open. They love pretending this about themselves. A man saying emotion words is their favorite TV show, but it seems like it never airs. I've had girls throw weird little tantrums because I was frustratingly okay. If there wasn't anything wrong with me, she was going to BE the thing wrong with me. Then I'll have to talk about my feelings with her.
...until he actually does. Then it's time to throw his clothes out the window while screaming about "emotional labor." She shouldn't be expected to handle his emotions for him. How dare he burden her in such a way?
Most men have learned this lesson by the time he's figured out how to have orgasms on purpose. He knows not to open up to a woman the same way he knows not to headbutt a cactus. All it's going to do is make his whole week suck more.
My god, this right here.
Never tell a woman what you're thinking, it never ends well. If there are women that don't use it as a weapon, I've never encountered her or heard a friend that has.
I have a long term relationship for almost 20 years that works fine because I just keep my problems to myself and work them out. And be there for her to tell me about her problems and don't try to fix anything. Every time I've tried, it's backfired.
Can you offer some examples of where "being vulnerable" led a man out of depression?
I do agree that there is a culture of masculine shame around mental health, and it can be unhealthy. But I've also seen that those who share their feelings don't get the promotion, tend to make coworkers uncomfortable, drive women away. Life is still a competition and vulnerability is genuinely risky.
I've seen bullies strategically share false vulnerability to garner sympathy. Genuine vulnerability often looks gross from a man, and is unlikely to lead to positive outcomes.
Most importantly, this new wave of mental health problems is not caused by a new wave of "not being vulnerable." It's a societal issue and must be confronted there, not shunted onto each individual man.
When each man has to deal with the consequences of the societal issues, what other short term option is available though?
Building communities coordinating on meaningful goals. Actual life as opposed to merely dealing with the trauma of not having a life, goals community.
No amount of therapy can ever take away those needs, or satisfy them.
I don't want to discouraged anyone from getting therapy, but it's definitely not a solution. Access to therapy might help people deal with the ongoing problem (and that's a big "might") but it will never, ever solve this big issue.
We're doing more by having this conversation than therapy can do. As long as we keep having them and trying to develop ideas and behaviors to bring those missing things into our lives.
note to men: do not do this