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hairy situation with dating (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 year ago by to c/autism@lemmy.world
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context: i met this girl on tinder who's is on the spectrum, we talked for a bit and then exchanged our ig accounts, but she hasnt replied since. I dont understand what happened, if shes just busy, needs time or lost interest. I have no way to tell and im too scared to ask. What should I do?

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[–] [S] 4 points 1 year ago (5 children)

very unlikely ill find someone else, im not very confindent about that. Since this happens once in a blue moon for me. Dating has always been very hard for me

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  • [–] 15 points 1 year ago (3 children)

    The mindset of clinging to this connection just makes it harder, trust me.

    In online dating you have at least a 70% random loss rate that you have no real control over or idea what went wrong. Even in "real" dating, approaching people during hobbies etc, it doesn't work in like 30-50% of the cases where you thought there were sparks.

    I know that it's hard, but you'll find someone again. A blue moon happened once, it'll happen again :)

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  • [–] [S] 4 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    thats true but i guess I'll have to be patient. I realized long ago that the blue moon comes when you don't expect it, every time

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  • [–] 4 points 1 year ago

    Patience is a virtue, but in this case, sitting on your hands and waiting weeks/months/years until you get another match is not a winning strategy. If you aren't getting many matches, you need to do the things which will result in getting more matches. Which means getting a better tinder profile. Which means becoming a hotter, more interesting guy, and accumulating high quality photos of yourself being hot and interesting.

    Any dating advice that doesn't start with "make yourself into the kind of person that the kind of person you want to date wants to date" is garbage advice. In the dating marketplace, you can't be out there looking for "the one" who will just accept you just as you are no matter what. First of all, because these people are incredibly rare. Second of all, because people with such rock bottom standards typically have those standards because they are lonely, because no one wants to date them, because they are walking red flags. And third, because if you ever actually find "the one", you will perpetually live in fear of losing them because "you'll never get a chance like this again", which leads to being a needy little bitch that caters to all their partner's whims.

    Don't do that! Just make yourself more appealing, and then you'll have options.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago*

    Yeah, dating is 100% a numbers game. You cast a broad net, and then pick through the ones who show interest. There’s no way to find the right person without failing a few times. The people that end up with their high school sweethearts are the exceptions that got extremely lucky, not the standard to strive for.

    Don’t take the failure personally. Unless you’re blatantly going around cheating, being misogynistic, racist, etc., it’s likely not anything in particular that you did “wrong”. It simply means you weren’t a good match. The best thing you can do is simply be the best version of yourself. By that, I mean to avoid just sitting around on your hands, expecting someone to land in your lap. The “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” mentality is extremely toxic; Be the kind of person that your ideal partner would want to date.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago

    Online dating is brutal and something I learned to avoid. But if you go that route, don't make it more than it is. If you think of any part of it as a once in a blue moon opportunity, you're going to go through hell with nothing to show for it. For both practical results and your mental health, it can't feel important. When you're lonely and trying to find someone, it's really hard to get into that mentality, but it's crucial.

    A match is nothing. Meeting up for the first time is barely interesting. Don't expect anything from it. Don't get your hopes up. It's literally just a conversation. So go into it looking to have a fun conversation. Having fun with it is winning because it makes you more fun to be around, and even if you only have fun conversations you're still having fun.

    Fun is the goal. If you end up making a friend or two out of it, that's a bonus. You might meet even more people through those new friends. Keep at it long enough and the numbers work in your favor. But that could be a while, so this is just some fun thing you do, like your daily Duolingo lesson. Neither is that serious or useful ... but kinda. ish.

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