This pest is kind of beautiful but also terrible. What is it? Any tips for how to get rid of it, besides cleaning all the leaves?
In between life, we garden.
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As others have said, it's some type of scale insect. A telltale sign is that they are mostly arranged on the middle line of the leaves, where, I imagine, it's easiest to hook into the plant's nutrients.
First thing to do is get it as far away as possible from any other plants you hold dear. Until it's sorted out, avoid cross contamination via your hands and tools as well. After that, you'll have to find some type of poison to kill them. Scales can be very resistant to external methods, something that is delivered via the plant's juices that they feed on might be easiest. Or you could spend weeks diligently rubbing the leaves and stems with alcohol to rid of them, to possibly no avail.
(I am not very fond of scales.)
Thanks. And yes, I am also starting to be less and less fond of these creatures. Any idea how these little assholes got to my house in the first place? Wind?
Not specifically, but there’s tons of spores & microbe “eggs” in the air. That’s how we can make a yeast starter by just leaving water & flour out for a few days, it’s literally just in the air, and you’re breathing it in right now as you read this.