I’m a man. I can make myself cum. Therefore, I must be gay.

Once I did it with my right hand, but I'm left handed, if you know what I mean. You really notice the dick in your hand when you do it that way, I can tell you. I learned some things about myself that day. Things I didn't tell my homies, despite them all having dicks that I had very much not been thinking about, but which must inevitably have similar fundamental characteristics.