Absolutely stellar writing, except for this one weird bit

Database people are systems people. Modern databases have their own memory management, thread scheduler, and a fucking compiler inside. A promising research direction is to just bundle the database with your own bloody kernel that you handwrote with a box of scraps to make the entire thing less cursed and not have to wrestle with Linux.

You know, just in case you were looking for people to include in your postapo gang, database experts will also murder whatever you want with bare hands.