This is the diagram I use to educate new psych workers:
Even had a patient ask why she spent a whole day crying a few weeks after starting ECT when she'd thought she was doing better. I was like girl ☝️, you ain't just gettin' the fun shit back and she was like ooooooh.
ALSO. This is why people kill themselves right after starting antidepressants. Sometimes that lack of will or planning ability (aka executive functioning) actually keeps the person from making a proper plan to kill themselves and sometimes the executive function comes back before the will to live.
It’s a lack of feeling, you don’t really feel sad, happy, angry, etc. I think one of the biggest things a lot of people think of when they think of depression is it’s just being sad but it’s not really.
Really depression is the lack of everything that makes it interesting to live, to feel. You lack energy to do anything, and getting out of the hole feels monumental. Any small progress can then have you fall easily into the bottom of the hole after making any progress.
It’s also happens that it causes circular reasoning and continued re-emergence of questions that can’t be answered or you’ve already answered. Ruminating on thoughts leads to feeling tired mentally and physically and exacerbates the problem of depression, sending you further into the void, feeling even more emotionless.
Depressions greatest trick is to tell you that you can’t change anything, that you want to feel this way forever and unfortunately can lead to the worst scenario.
A failed starter motor on the feeling engine? You try to start up a feeling and nothing happens. No joy, no excitement, and not even real sadness, just a numb feeling of nothingness.
Kinda bummer. This is from personal perspective and I'm really bad at describing internal workings.
Absolutely constantly dreaming of deepthroating a double barrel or finding other creative ways that might be harmful.
Being really sad or down or almost starting to cry rather easily.
The odd slow motion or kinda dulled sensations, kinda like being underwater, every movement requires actual effort and focusing, the body no longer moves unconsciously.
Negative spiraling, negative thought patterns being completely out of control and almost constant.
Absolutely everything being boring, absolutely nothing that can engage the brain and keep it focused there.
Not that i am depressed anymore. Been depressed probably multiple times in my life, somewhere in teenage years and in adulthood, but the most memorable one was few years ago after quitting alcohol, probably lasted roughly half a year or more.
It's like a backpack. Carrying it for a while is a-ok. But you can't take it off. That is cool, you can do it. After a week you are tired and your shoulders hurt. After a couple months you are ragged, really wishing you can take it off. After a year you are struggling to do anything with that unending, oppressing weight. After a decade you wish for death. It's just a backpack. But if you can't take it off; it will kill you.
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