tired
been reading a new psych book
personal stuff below
spoiler
I'm kinda sad that my father was worse than I thought, at the same time it's liberating to know it wasn't me, also, I'm angry he interfered in my family relationships, telling people half truths and lies
story. When I lived in Europe I thought it might be nice to meet some relatives. I called an elderly aunt, my mother's sister. I had never spoken to her in all my life, never exchanged a letter. She spent 30 minutes berating me for being a bad sinful person. She told me my father told her. I had no idea. After hanging up I cried.
25 years later I thought of this again. I had changed my mindset from my father was an inept communicator to seeing a pattern of him isolating his kids. Why? I think he was scared I would tell people what a shitty husband and father he was.
It seems like reading this book is a painful and useless exercise but I think it's making me more secure in my self image.
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