I've quit all of my previous jobs in not so great ways ( I'm a dumbass ), which leaves me unable to give any real contact info.

Don't assume this! I also thought I had burned all my bridges by being a fuck-up but one of the people I fucked over tried to give me another job recently. Don't undersell the value of being an employee who can semi-reliably do an okay job and occasionally crash & burn pretty hard. That's still above par in a lot of industries, enough to make you preferable over some totally unknown rando! Honestly I'm perpetually in awe that the human race accomplishes anything whatsoever.

get three burner phones and practice your voice impressions

be your own boss reference

Have friends that can sound professional / know what they're talking about as supervisors etc. and list their contact information.

I don't think it's that rare for employers to contact references. So unless you can give contact information for someone willing to fake it for you, I think it's probably a bad idea

Yeah, do it. Find a friend or someone here that will be a reference for you. I've done it for a guy and he's done it for me a couple of times each.

Some places just use an online form for references now so it's even easier for you to fake

Lying about your references is easy and completely legal, go for it

100%.