I lived this daily until I got a bidet, not worth it now

Stolen from reddit:

The boss makes a dollar, I make a dime That was a poem From a simpler time

Now his boss makes 1000 While I make a cent And he's got employees That can't make the rent

When the CEO makes a million And we don't make jack That's when we riot To take it all back

Now Mr investor If this seems extreme I have to remind you It beats guillotines

Nah, they'll just make life more difficult for any employees who take bathroom breaks, if not find some "clearly unrelated" excuse to outright fire them.

20 minute shit every *hour

What about second shit?

Don't think he knows about second shit, Pip.

What about elevenses? Shiteon? Afternoon shit? Shitter? He knows about them, doesn't he?

I wouldn't count on it.

If you want to set up a spreadsheet, the formulas are pretty simple:

Salary / 52 = weekly pay (approx, there's a few extra days in the year but my bi-weekly pay is salary / 26, which actually works out to a slightly higher pay than if they did it by extact days)

Weekly pay / 40 = hourly equivalent (or 37.5 if you want to assume unpaid lunches, which effectively increases your hourly rate)

Hourly equivalent / 60 = minute equivalent

Time in minutes pooping * hourly equivalent = money earned pooping

For hourly pay, just drop that in to the hourly equivalent variable above.

when they don't have some sort of white noise in the bathrooms

Would it help if I sat next to you going "shhhhhhhhhh" as we poop together?

Am I the only one who finds this kind of wild? You're in the shit room, you shouldn't expect others to be ashamed of their bowel movements there. Get earplugs, I guess?

The worst is when people talk on their cell phones in the public restroom. No one wants to hear that on either end of the phone.

Would playing white noise on your phone help?

Extra-thin one or like a sandpaper.

Within reason.

You could try your luck and see how much you can get away with before someone notices, but I wouldn't recommend it.