this post was submitted on 19 Jul 2023
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Well now that I have "fuck you" money there's a few things on my mind.
First, I'm going to eat at a lot of restaurants. I'm going to enjoy my meals too. Through the whole meal I'm going to be buying iced milks for another random patron. I'm going to make sure the waiter is aware that this good gesture needs to be anonymous and I will make sure that as long as the waiter keeps delivering the iced milks I will keep adding $1000 onto their tip. These iced milks will not stop coming until there is nowhere left for the patron to reasonably sit. This waiter will not have to work for a long time afterwards.
Second, I'm going to buy a shit ton of gold bricks. Like the big one's you envision are in Fort Knox, also known as "Good Delivery" bars. I'm also going to hire an elite team of private security forces whose sole job will be to transport that gold in plain sight everywhere that I happen to go. If by chance my gold is not allowed with me into an establishment, then I will just attempt to buy the place right there on the spot. If that doesn't work, then my team will take the gold and wait with it on public property.
Pretty sure that $1b is long gone by now, but finally I'm going to be throwing parades—a lot of parades. I will have permits for parades on the streets in front of the houses of all my enemies. These will take place at the most inconvenient possible times that my team of schedulers, planners, and event organizers will be able to find. I will have the dumbest fucking floats in these parades and the shittiest marching bands. I will not stop until I'm sufficient conviced I have broken the spirit of my enemies.
This is why they won't give me money.
Iced milk. That's amazing. I'm stealing this.
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