@aaaaaaadjsf and @My_Army suggested this was the most professional way to end things. I can't believe I forgot to do this earlier and I think Dave has now blocked me.
I have a long history of interviewing well and fucking around until I get fired.
HAHAH this is me at my current job - except they finally caught on after me literally doing nothing the past year except maybe a handful of emails a day. Now for the past month I've been doing like 2 hours of work a day and they're in awe
"wow abc you're knocking this out of the park, I have no complaints" - my supervisor at the last two mandatory weekly meetings we've had to review my weeks performance
:pain:
My plan thus far has been to finish the probationary period and hopefully line a job up in the meantime so upon them releasing me from micromanagement I can turn around and be like "yeah, so here's my two weeks you fucks" since they too refuse to pay me more and even refused to subsidize A PORTION of a new computer desk despite the job being 95% wfh even prior to the pandemic