I’m trans. I can’t escape this fact any longer.

But I dont think I could ever come out or transition. I know people will say it would be worth it in the end. But I cannot stress enough just how much this would obliterate me socially.

I’m 34 now.

I’ve only done a few things to change my appearance. I shaved my face and I keep it as clean as possible. I also lost a lot of weight, and am really skinny now. I saw a trans woman YouTuber and felt envy over her body, and I wanted to get as close to that as I could.

I also put on clear nail polish, and I practice my “voice” in the car alone.

I call myself “she” on discord, and take the female roles if the server has it. I just express my inner self in a way that feels natural and I seem to pass fairly well on there. I was talking with one woman on there and asked her something about her job being difficult. She said “girl, you have no idea”. “Girl”. That one thing filled me with such happiness I can’t even explain it.

But That’s basically the extent of my “transition” so far, if I can even call it that. I’m sorry if this post read a bit chaotically. I’m tired and just trying to type this out before I sit down for the evening.

I wholly confess I am just looking for validation. But don’t lie to me. Am I genuine? Even right now can I call myself a woman?